Rants in Your Pants

I Was a Woman In A Former Facebook Life

2009-05-26T15:47:00.003-03:00

This is a Facebook profile picture from a man who tried to befriend a fake woman I created on the social networking site. I'm not going to give out his name, as I think the photo is punishment enough. I'm not doing this to humiliate anyone, it just turned out that way.....let this be a lesson to everyone: Do not trust internet sites for meeting people, unless that's what they are designed for, and have a valued reputation. Merry Christmas!

The Olympics Are Dead to Me

2008-08-07T11:43:00.003-03:00

I haven't blogged in almost a year. It got to a point where I was blogging just for the sake of blogging and couldn't come up with anything I found important to 'get out there'. Even if "important" to me was just being my goofy-ass self and trying to amuse a few people for a few laughs and the attention it garnered. Besides, I ran out of tampon-related stories to pass along.

Today my blog is rising up from its ashes so that I can make my opinion of the Beijing XXIX Olympiad be known. And what is my opinion, you may ask? (ok, just pretend you're asking) My opinion is that they don't exist. In 2001 the IOC selection committee made a horrible mistake in choosing China as the host country. I believe that countries have the right to live within themselves and their own rules of self government.....so long as it does not impede upon basic human rights. China's position on freedom of speech, movement and religion do just that!

Did you know that China executes more people for committing capital crimes than any country in the world? I know, this might not seem like a shocking stat for the country that holds 1/4 of the world's population...especially if you are someone who is for the death penalty, unlike myself. But consider for a second that China has 68 crimes to which execution can be the sentence....included in those: tax fraud, and embezzlement. nice! Oh, by the way, they are not only the top execution country in terms of gross numbers, they are also in the top 7 in the world when you work the number down to per capita amounts.

Here's a few other things that weighed in on my decision to avoid this year's Olympic Games:

China's one-child policy, leading to many forced abortions, deserted children and infanticide...

China indirectly supports the atrocities in Darfur by supplying Sudanese troops with small arms, in exchange for oil....and has threatened to use UN security council veto rights to oppose stricter action in the area.

The "Chinese Apartheid" in Tibet

The government controlled media

The crackdown on the Falun Gong

etc. etc. etc.

There are literally a hundred other things I could list. I am actually somewhat appalled that governments around the globe did not withhold participation in the Olympics as a protest. Bush's comments during his 3-nation Asian tour leading up to the games are meaningless. They have no sting.

It might be of little interest to anyone, but I am taking it upon myself to boycott the Olympics this year. I am not going to watch a single minute of any competition nor read about it on-line, and if anyone brings it up in discussion, I will make it a point to start lecturing them on China's human rights violations.

It's a shame. As a sports fan, I love watching the Olympics and especially cheering for Canada. Oh well, see you at the next summer Olympics- London in 2012. Maybe I'll make it a point to go there and take in some events to make up for my 8 year withdrawal.

Oh, and don't even bother mentioning winter Olympics to me...those take place during prime drinking months (you have to drink more in cold months to keep warm), I barely even recognize that they're taking place.

Something Personal

2007-09-27T20:02:00.000-03:00

I have made it a habit to keep this blog relatively anonymous by not posting anything from my personal life but I thought I'd take a time-out from that trend and just post something a bit cathartic.

My father died almost 5 years ago (actually 5 years ago next week- Oct 2). He was known throughout the maritimes as one of the best candlepin bowlers to step into an alley.... for over 30 years, right up until his death. Apparently, last year a memorial bowling tournament was started in his name. Sounds good right? Sure, its wonderful and I'm proud. It would have been even better if someone had told either my mother or myself about it. I had to find out about it in the local newspaper yesterday....it was surprising...and to find it it was the "2nd annual" made it even more so.

I just thought I'd take this time to let whoever started it know that I do support it, but it would have been nice to be invited to attend...the same way I attended his events for 28 years of my life.

I'll end with this....cancer fucking sucks!!!! I encourage everyone to give to cancer research in the memory of a loved one (because we all know one that is either fighting or has succumb)...and take care of yourselves...stop smoking...wear your SPF 30.....watch your additives and preservatives.....and ladies, get to those self breast examinations...or grab a partner to help you if need be.....you know what to do, just do it!

RIP Dad (1946-2002)

Raveen: The Impossibly Ancient

2007-09-18T19:28:00.000-03:00

Honest to god! How the fuck old is Raveen??!?!? I remember seeing the commercial for his show on ATV in between Atlantic Grand Prix Wrestling matches when I was like 4 years old. I remember him looking like he was about 50 years old then. Here we are 30 years later and the guy is still selling out shows...and here's the truly remarkable thing...he's using the same 1979 commercial on tv and the radio today!!!!....and it's as catchy as hell! I want to beat myself in the face with a stapler at work every time I catch myself humming the theme..."have you seen the man they call Raveen..."..."comin' on the man they call Raveen.."...my God...is he using his powers of the superconscious in these commercials? Is that legal? Why does he hold this spell over me..???? arrrggghhhh!!!!!

Vacations...Vacuums...Yo Momma... All Things That Suck

2007-09-06T19:42:00.000-03:00

It has gotten to the point at work that I hate to take vacation. There's too much prep work to do before you leave and then there's too much to catch up on when you come back. I'm freakin' exhausted. I should clarify...its week long vacations that leave me feeling this way...the onesy/twosy days off are great.

I had a great big list of stuff that I wanted to post about....but I can't find it and right now I'm only thinking of making myself a tequila sunrise. It's hard to concentrate on anything else. So I'm going to go make myself one of those bad boys and slip into something more comfortable...like depression. I'll be back soon...

Oh, and my latest excuse for not posting is that I was establishing a baseline of site hits for a month with no posts....yeah, that's the ticket!

Panty-Liners Part IV: Just Kidding…..

2007-06-28T19:51:00.000-03:00

No, I’m not really counting this as a post… shut-up! (the other three I am counting though!)

Panty-Liners Part III: A Sad Excuse For Three Posts In One Day

2007-06-28T19:49:00.000-03:00

I just broke up one story into 3 separate posts for no other reason than to fulfill my promise of posting 10 times in June. I know it’s sad, but here’s a picture of a panty-liner to make everything better.

Panty-liners Part II: Revenge of The Spouse

2007-06-28T19:47:00.000-03:00

First rule in wearing women’s feminine products, when you’re not a woman: don’t tell anyone about it, no matter how funny you think the story is to share.

So, because I was so proud of myself for my makeshift tourniquet, and because I thought it was a hilarious story, I decided to share it with everyone at work. There were some laughs, some tears and I think someone stuck a “Kick Me I’m A Woman” sign on my back. Overall, I think we all had a good time. Then I ended the laughter when I went and bought actual Band-Aids at lunch time.

When I got home that day, I was still smiling and very much proud of myself, for my comedic accomplishments of the day. So when my wife asked me ‘what was so funny?’, I had to tell her. Apparently, she didn’t hear me the night before when I told her what I had found to put on my damaged leg…she found the whole thing rather alarming…and when she found out that I shared the secret with my co-workers she was mortified. I now have to hear about it constantly…how I’m insensitive to the whole thing….I’m not even sure what I’m being insensitive about….

It really makes me even wonder if it’s worth putting on the internet….

Panty-liners Part I: They’re Not Just For Panties Anymore

2007-06-28T19:43:00.000-03:00

I’ve been taking a bit of heat lately for something that I did last Wednesday night. You see, I play softball and tend to scrape up my knee quite badly when sliding into bases. This is nothing new, it has been happening ever since I’ve played.

Because I injure myself often I have learned to keep a healthy supply of oversized bandages for my leg at home. That way when I cut myself up, I can just slip one on and go to bed without waking up to a bloody mess in the bed the next morning.

Anyway, back to last week. I tore up my knee once again playing ball and came home past everyone else’s bed time. I searched all over the place for my cache of bandages, but came up empty. My leg was, again, a bloody mess, so there was no way I could go to bed without putting something on it. I found a roll of gauze and some first aid tape…but that would have been messy to peel away the next day. I found some different materials I could apply to it but it would have soaked right though by the morning. What was I going to do????

Then I saw something in a bathroom cabinet. Something that was wonderfully absorbent, and would not make me worry about seepage, or being messy to remove….my wife’s panty-liner. So I took one out and taped it to my leg. Worked like a charm! It worked so well, that the next morning I had to change my “dressing” before going to work, so I taped another one on before I left. I was almost at the point where I would abandon band-aids altogether!

American Inventor....Like Drowning Puppies In Primetime.

2007-06-21T20:33:00.000-03:00

I keep falling into the same old trap with the ABC realty show American Inventor. The show is great in concept: Average everyday inventor-wannabes face a panel of "experts" to try to sell them on whatever itch they have scratched with their new products....and try to win some seed money to take their products to market nation-wide. Some of the things they come up with are cool, some are funny, and some are just plain stupid. Sounds entertaining and a good waste of an hour right?

Well, the part I can't stand, that really turns me off, is that they drag the heartbreaking stories of these people into play...and I really don't think its fair. I watched for maybe 3 minutes last night...some guy invented a drag racing track-thing to use with matchbook cars...wasn't bad..wasn't incredibly good...but then they asked him how much money he had sunk into the thing. His response was $300K!..and went on to say how his brothers and other family members took out additional mortgages on their homes to help him out...he was holding back tears while saying it! And therein lies the problem...how could you possibly pass up this guy and not put him through to the next round after hearing that?

When I watched it last year, the 3-4 finalists all had similar heart-breaking stories. Its all about emotional blackmail...and its the same sort of gripe I have with another ABC show I keep railing on- Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Disney is really starting to piss me off. I think I'm going to have to start boycotting them....that is, until I take the kids to Disney world in a couple of years....then I'll just shit on the rides at the Magic Kingdom.....that will show those mouse-lovin sons a' bitches!

Another Shaved Britney Body Part Making News....

2007-06-18T19:57:00.000-03:00

It amuses me to no end that Britney Spears is threatening to sue a radio station in Florida to remove billboards that use images of her shaven head to promote its resident talk show host. Because the ads allude to her being crazy, jeopardize her attempt to resurrect her broken image, and are used without her permission, a law firm had to be called in to demand the removal of the billboards and their insulting images.

Uh, is it just me or isn’t that Britney’s beaver strewn all over the world wide web????…but its this ad that makes her look bad????…..hmmmm…interesting.

A Miscellany of Tiny Rants...

2007-06-15T20:42:00.000-03:00

- I know this is like 3-4 weeks old...but it deserves a link. There's no Hasselhoff like a drunken-burger-munchin' Hasselhoff. Hilarious!! (No one ever accused me of being on the cutting edge of breaking entertainment news.

- Sucks that the Spurs won the NBA crown. That makes 4 in 9 years. All teams are going to start modelling this style of play...and in case you're not one of the 5 people who watched the lowest rated NBA finals in TV history, that style is BORING!...highly effective, but boring!

- Hammas, Abbas, Fatah and Gaza...Palestinians love their soft "a" sounds. I'd say something more profound...but I honestly have trouble keeping up with all the inner turmoil of the Palstinian government. Its basically take a deep breath after each article and hope that it goes away...or even better, the US government doesn't get (more) involved. Ugly...very ugly!

- Golfed perhaps the best course in the Maritimes a couple of days ago- Royal Oaks - It was a very windy day...but I shot a very respectful (to me) 101. Considering I was in the sand or the rough 75% of the time, gave up on my driver after 3 holes, and broke my 3-iron on # 7, I'll take that and run. Great course! Can't wait to go back.

- I'm really getting into Massive Attack lately. I think I had mis-labelled them in my mind because of their collaborative efforts I had heard.....but they got a lot of cool shit. I encourage all to listen with an open mind.

- I'm bored.... why does TV suck these days?

The Real 7 Wonders

2007-06-08T21:03:00.000-03:00

So CBC put out a call for nominations, and subsequent votes for what Canadians thought were the Seven Wonders of Canada. Being a fairly young country, Canada struggles with its identity and makes a point of doing this shit on a regular basis. We also point out every single person in the world who is Canadian and hold them high and proud so that the rest of the world recognizes us for something. I'm ok with this (just like I'm ok with Steve Nash, Justin Morneau, and Joe Thornton...all being MVPs in their respective sports at the same time)...its like when you take some time in your late teens/early twenties to "find yourself" and start broadcasting to the world the things that make you unique...make you the person you want everybody to see you as.

I looked over the list and if it ends up being the final list, it should probably be re-named Canada's Seven Natural Wonders. Its ignores a lot of the more abstract ideas...like the Montreal bagel and the canoe. It includes such things as Nahanni National Park, The Bay of Funday and the Cabot Trail. It is a pretty good list though...well dispersed across the country and some pretty impressive spectacles are included. I would urge everyone to go in and check out all the nominations that were posted on the website...you're bound to learn something cool about the many parts of Canada.....my particular favourites are the Narcisse Snake Dens and Crooked Trees, Sask.

However, i have my own list...and since its too late for nominations, I can only share it with you:

Ray Law's Seven Canadian Wonders:

1. How the fuck Martin Short still has a career!?!??..and a relatively successful one…

2. Why Degrassi Jr. High can be so freaking entertaining…and on so many levels…even the new generation! Have you seen the Next Generation episodes where Miriam MacDonald's character goes crazy with sexual madness and starts giving every guy in school head?...those ones are cool.

3. How a country with one of the highest educational development rates in the free world can elect a total dip shit ass clown as a prime minister.

4. Toller Cranston has wrote a book called "Ice Cream"- If you don't find this hilarious, you're not human (check out the cover on the link). Oh, the "wonder" here is Toller Cranston's gayness…and how it reaches a level only Liberace could understand.

5. That ubiquitous gravel pit where everybody used to drink in high school…its a wonder that everybody and their dog knew where the underage drinking was going down, but cops never came around…good times!

6. The beaver…just because beaver should appear on as many lists as possible...

7. The fact that a typical city of 100,000 residents can have a Tim Hortons' at every 100 ft, and each store can still make a massive profit!

God I love this country!

10 Degrees of Wiki-fun.

2007-06-05T21:55:00.000-03:00

I've wanted to post something like this for a while. One of my favourite things to do on the web is to start reading about something on Wikipedia, and then see what I'm reading about 1/2 hour later, and how completely different the topic is, after having clicked from link to link within the on-line tome.....and then of course wondering, 'how the hell are these things even remotely linked to one another?'.

So just for shits and giggles, I thought I would pick a topic, start reading, and see where 9 more links would lead me..based purely on what piqued my interest when I saw the links....and of course I documented it all for your entertainment and mine.

For today's path I first went to CNN.com to get a completely random topic to start with. The first article I saw there was about some anti-government conspirators being arrested or charged in Laos. This is how today's wiki-reading went down:

1. Laos...which lead to...
2. IMF (International Monetary Fund)...which lead to..
3. The Great Depression...which lead to...
4. Saskatchewan...which lead to...
5. Louis Riel...which lead to....
6. Insanity Defence...which lead to...
7. Bipolar Disorder...which lead to...
8. Ethanol..which lead to...
9. Alcoholic Beverage...which of course lead to...
10. Scotch Whiskey!!

It always comes back to scotch!!...you simply can't make this shit up!

Getting My Shit Together

2007-06-04T19:46:00.000-03:00

I've been kinda ho-hum about ye ole blog all year long. The main reason is because I was tracking year-over-year hits and since I had no data to compare to for the first few months I was showing unbelievable growth. The problem is that it was about this time last year I started viewing my own posts about 50 times a day and now I have to actually try to maintain the growth level.

So.....my focus for June is to break my own record for Blog posts in a month...because as I've stated previously, it appears more people actually view my blog when I get my shit together and post...go figure!!!

The goal- 10 posts (yep, that's right this one counts...I know its cheap, but fuck you, its hard to do this shit on a regular basis...only those who do it truly know). So if you're reading this come back in a couple of days, chances are there will actually be another post....it might just be a picture of my ass, but it will still be something!

2 Posts in 3 Days?...Somebody Call The View!!

2007-05-24T20:58:00.000-03:00

I’m pretty apathetic toward Rosie O’Donnell and all her melodrama. I do enjoy watching the salvo of verbal shots go back and forth between her and her many enemies from time to time…but as for taking a side and really getting into it, I never really give any thought to that shit.

That was my opinion until yesterday when I started being torn in a hundred directions after seeing her live tv fight with View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck. These two have gone at it several time before, but yesterday reached a height not seen previously.

What exactly is tearing me apart about this…well, let me tell you…

Elisabeth is the cutest thing in the world…I mean she’s cuter than a barrel of kittens in a baby storm! The problem?.....she’s also a mindless Republican robot. This makes me want to side with Rosie in their ‘war on terror’ argument. The problem? Rosie is a crazy conspiracy theorist nut who takes liberalism so far left that bong-tokin’-abortion-supportin’-polygamists are telling her to slow down.

My mind is going to explode!!!!!

What the fuck am I doing watching The View? …ah screw it, add it to the list of gay stuff… in the meantime, I’ll start shopping around on E-bay for some testosterone….

Does Neilson Rate Anger? They Should...

2007-05-22T16:05:00.000-03:00

Have you ever watched something that completely infuriates you just because you like to get angry and shout at the tv about how stupid it is? Well, I have this problem with several tv shows. Here are a few examples:

Judge Judy- Stick to case and the law, and away from the lectures bitch!

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition- Yes, it is nice that you’re helping that one down-on-their-luck family, but how far would that $2.0M (spent on their home) go to feeding the homeless? I always wonder out loud, when my wife makes me watch this, how many children around the world are dying of hunger as they put the finishing touches to the special NASCAR room for the oldest teenager. Oh, and Ty Pennington getting arrested for DUI is absolutely classic….the only way it could be better is if he hit a bus full of cub scouts of something. Nothing against Cub Scouts, I’m just getting tired of everyone thinking he’s an angel of some sort just because Disney throws bags of money at him, and holds out on giving him his ADHD medication.

The Amazing Race- the concept is good, and the first couple of seasons were solid….but I hate the fact that at some point during every stage of the race they pretty much make all the teams catch-up to one another, so that really only the last quarter of the race counts for anything.

Anyway, I’m ready to add another one to the list. Larry King is by far the most ridiculous excuse for a talk show host ever! Anytime I see his show, he asks the most moronic questions, and doesn’t seem to have a clue about the subject matter he’s discussing. It annoys the hell out of me. Here’s a made up, but entirely probable, transcript of a typical King interview:

Larry King: Tonight we have the remaining cast of Dancing With the Stars
- Joey Fatone, you’re used to being on stage, how is this different?

Fatone- Well its something that doesn’t come as naturally…

Larry King- As naturally as stripping or pole dancing?

Fatone- What?

Larry King- What was it like growing up in Boston?

Fatone- I’m from Brooklyn..

Larry King- How about them Dodgers?

Fatone- the Dodgers have played in L.A. since 1957

Larry King- I was arrested once, let’s go to commercial…

Irritating as all get-out!!!...but somehow the idiocy of it all keeps me coming back for more and more anger.

Is That A Bird In My Bag, Or Are You Just Happy To Search Me??

2007-05-02T21:56:00.000-03:00

I used to carry some sort of pride in the fact that I was from Saint John, NB. Lately however, things like this keep popping up on the national news (not even kidding...this was front page stuff on cbc.ca this afternoon) that make me re-think my allegiances.

Here's the gist in case you don't care to read the article:

A woman goes through security at the local airport on the way to boarding a plane to Pearson airport in Toronto. The woman has her suitcase scanned repeatedly and the security people ask her if she has a turkey in her bag. [A fucking turkey!!] After being repeatedly asked, she gets a little frustrated and snaps back that she is 'sure there is no turkey'. Security lets her through....she gets on the plane ...goes to TO, picks up her bags...gets in a car.. drives an hour or so to Niagara On The Lake...gets to her hotel room...unpacks her suitcase...and her pet cat Ginger jumps out!! Apparently, the turkey-looking-thing was her cat, which she accidentally packed into her bag.

A few things to think about:

- How do you accidentally pack your cat into a suitcase and not notice?...this sounds like a pratical joke of some sort.
- If the security people can see a turkey, that they are apparently concerned about, then why don't they open the bag if the person says there isn't one there? I guess this one is for the investigators to determine....along with whose bong the security people used prior to scanning the baggage.
- If you ever decide to carry on some C4 plastic explosives in your luggage, mold them into the shape of a turkey...apparently you can get away with taking anything through that's in the shape of a turkey.

Honest to god, I think I'll be flying out of Fredericton from now on!...safety and stupidity issues are forcing me too.

NBA Basketball, its FANtastic!

2007-04-22T20:04:00.000-03:00

Since my favourite hockey team, the Washington Capitals (don't ask), came nowhere near making the NHL playoffs (but not without some bright spots), my focus is on the NBA playoffs which just started yesterday. This is a good year for me because i cheer for 3 teams pretty much equally right now. Those three teams are:

Boston Celtic- My team growing up...come on!..it was Larry Bird...how could this not be my team??? Anyway, they've sucked for years, but this year had the 2nd to worst record in basketball...giving them a pretty decent chance to secure either Kevin Durant or Greg Oden in this year's NBA draft...which should be a huge step to making them a playoff team again in a couple of years.

Toronto Raptors- I was excited when the NBA expanded into Canada...even more excited when I moved to Toronto in 2000 and got to go to a few games each year. They supplanted the Celts as my team at about the time I saw Allen Iverson and Vince Carter exchange 50 point games in the 2001 playoffs- Carter's I saw live in game 3. Too bad he turned into such a douche bag! (because this is without a doubt the best dunk ever!)

Phoenix Suns- Now most people might think I like them simply because they're run by a Canadian point guard...2 time MVP Steve Nash...and play the most exciting fast break basketball since the 80's "Showtime" Lakers. These are all part of the reason....but I actually started liking them when Barkley got traded there in the early 90's and I got introduced to another guard, who is my 2nd favourite all-time point guard- Kevin Johnson...the guy could shoot from anywhere, pick apart defences with his passing...and oh yeah, he was a 6-footer who had maybe one of the best dunks of all time over possibly the best defensive center of all time...check him out.

Anyway, Raptors have a chance to hang around for a couple of rounds and the Suns have a chance to take it all...I have to go back to my first round match-up of the hour: Spurs vs. Nuggets. I probably won't even look at a hockey score for a month. Thank god for the NBA!

Fucking Crazy!...Stick the Guns Up Your Ass, Next to Heston's Penis, Dubya!

2007-04-16T19:16:00.000-03:00

I love how George W Bush took a second in his initial press address this afternoon to reiterate his pro stance on America's right to bear arms....with the caveat that everyone still had to obey all the necessary gun laws.

I would like to take a second to reiterate my anti-moron stance. It says I hate morons. The caveat to that is that sometimes complete idiots with their heads up their own asses can be mistaken as morons.

For those of you looking for my take on the Virginia Tech shooting, see my earlier 2006 post on re Kimveer Gill. The message remains the same: coward, toaster, hell and Elvis....see you there loser!

FaceBook: Sucking My Ceative Energy, Like An Internet Whore

2007-04-10T20:18:00.000-03:00

I don't think I find facebook.com as addicting as some do. I don't feel the need to be on it all the time, or to constantly check my "minifeed" for activity. However, it is getting to me in a different way lately..... I find that the time I spend replying to messages, posting on walls, surfing across different friend networks, and just generally trying to be 'on my game', is completely sucking all my creative energy from me. At the end of the day, I want to blog, but I am completely spent...and I don't have the desire to research things to shout about....or, to rant on meaninglessly about nothing for that matter.

I fear facebook is going to kill my blog...I might have to quit it cold turkey. Then again, it does give me an advertising outlet for this shit that I write here. Oh, what to do?...what to do..?

This is the most time I've spent thinking about anything this seriously since the last time I developed a way to cheat at Pictionary. By the way, why is it that girls are so bad at Pictionary?...and by "bad" I don't mean artistically, I mean they don't notice that I'm whispering to my teammates the actual words that are suppose to drawn during the "All Play"s......you would think that they would clue in that we always guess the answer after 5 seconds and all that's been drawn is a ball on a stick......its the same ball and stick combo no matter what the word...I mean really, come on girls!!!

5th Grade: Then Vs. Now

2007-04-04T20:34:00.000-03:00

I read an article today about a bunch of 5th graders who got arrested for having sex in class, in front of there other classmates while a teacher left them alone for 5 minutes.

Let's reflect on this for a second. When I was in 5th grade we occasionally got in trouble for being too loud when the teacher left the room.....I once got detenion for throwing a paper airplane at another kid and nearly putting his eye out...and I believe I got a couple of Dungeons & Dragons books taken away after a rained-in lunch hour, because they were a little too violent and inappropriate. I was probably the kid that got in more trouble than any other in my grade, and I was the class clown as well. However, at no time did it ever occur to me to start humping my classmates when my teacher left the room (maybe that's why the class clown is never the popular one...or visa versa).

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but: What hell is wrong with kids these days? The actual act doesn't even bother me as much as the fact that I read something like that and it makes me feel like I'm turning into my parents. Damn them Louisiana bayou punks!!!...it must be something in the crawfish!

Fox and American Idol Thinks Everyone Is A Moron

2007-03-29T19:44:00.000-03:00

For the last few years, there has been a website called votefortheworst.com who rally behind the latest 'worst of the worst' of American Idol and ask you to vote for them to ruin the show. When asked to comment on this site, Fox and the American Idol producers have repeatedly maintained that given the number of hits to the pirate website, there is no way that their presence could impact on the overall winner.

Interesting.....

First, if its not true, how does it explain the most recent voting which put perhaps the worst singer of all Idol-dom in the top 4:

Secondly, how can they say that hundreds of thousands of potential voters have no influence on the outcome and then practically beg its audience to cast their individual votes to keep their favourites in?

I'll tell you how...they think their audience are complete idiots...and if you're one of the people casting votes (or reading this blog for that matter) they're probably right.

Movie Review Time...

2007-03-12T20:25:00.000-03:00

I watched the video-game-inspired horror flick "Silent Hill" this past weekend. I had read some bad stuff about it, but I love horror movies... so I watch the stuff I already know will suck anyway. Here is my synopsis/review of the film:

This little girl keeps having bad dreams and she screams "Silent Hill" out loud during the course of them. Her mother decides that they can cure whatever ails her by going to one of the most haunted locations in their immediate vicinity- aptly named Silent Hill. On the way there they take a wrong turn or something and accidentally step into a steaming shit pile of a movie...also aptly named "Silent Hill". The channel gets switched onto some low-budget soft core porn on Showcase.....i fall asleep in my own indignity..the end.

rating- 3 1/2 stars out of 5. (to recap 3 1/2 stars= would rather stab myself repeatedly in the pancreas with a butter knife).

Nail Gun Producers of the World, I Challenge Thee...

2007-03-09T19:17:00.000-04:00

Why can't you find a decent nail gun nowadays? I don't get it. Over the past couple of years or so, I remember reading at least two articles in the 'weird news' section of cnn.com about guys accidentally shooting themselves in the head/face with a nail gun and surviving. One guy shot himself about 10-12 times, piercing his brain, and the other shot himself in the roof of the mouth and didn't even know he did it until he went to the dentist a few days later complaining of a nagging tooth ache.

Today I go onto CNN...and lo' and behold, some 17 year-old kid shot himself in the heart.....with (you guessed it) a nail gun....and again, he survived.

So, I have a challenge to all you nail gun manufacturers out there: Make a better, deadlier product. I beg of you! Honestly, how can you sleep at night knowing that your products can't even take down these retards that keep shooting themselves in the face and heart??? If you need a test subject to try your tools on before they go back to market, I would suggest Eddie Van Halen. For the love of God, look at the guy (this post's picture, in case you didn't recognize the guitar god)...you would be doing him a big favour.

.....and speaking of retards..take a look at this article about a new invention to help people "Roll Up The Rim". Has it come to this? really??? Broken finger nails and teeth full of wads of wax???? Are you rolling up the rim of a coffee cup or getting funky in the S&M section of Madame Tussaud's??? For Christ's sake...if you honestly can't roll up the rim properly, or figure out how to do so without physical inconvenience, ask yourself this question: Have I used a nail gun in the past three days?

Slam Dancer #5

2007-03-06T19:50:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night. I barely ever dream...or at least remember my dreams. When I do, they are usually strange...giant flowers chasing me and such. Last night I dreamt I was in a couples dance contest..and my partner was Barak Obama. We finished runner up to a couple known only as "Mika and Slam Dancer #5"...the final dance off (unfortunately for Barak and I) was in the style of slam. Fuckers!

Just When You Think Things Can't Get Shittier....

2007-02-24T20:16:00.000-04:00

As I alluded to in my last post, I've had a pretty bad couple of weeks. It got a lot worse a couple of days ago when my step-grandmother died. My grandmother on my father's side of the family died when I was 6...my grandfather remarried a couple of years later, so for the most part she was my grandmother for the last 25 years, and I loved her as such.

So, I spent today in the booming metropolis of Minto with my grandfather and the rest of that side of my family before attending a viewing just a couple of hours ago and then heading back home. On a somewhat amusing note, I find it funny how many people bring the grieving family food when there is a death. During the 6 hour period that I was at my grandfather's place, at least 5 different casseroles were dropped off...and numerous other baked goods. Why are casseroles the food choice for death?????

I'm Back Mofos!

2007-02-20T19:25:00.000-04:00

I have been going through a bit of a personal shit storm lately that has kept me off the blogging soapbox...but I think its time to get back on this horse and ride. I'm not going to get into the details...I think most people who are close enough to me already know them.

Here's a recap of what I've been up to so far this year:

- Biggest Loser contest- I'm kicking ass! Half way through the challenge and I'm almost at my target weight (5 lbs away). I have lost about 27 lbs since Jan 2nd. I might have to amputate something to win it though...just hoping the cushion I have holds up.

- Curl For Cancer- just finished this weekend and the Curling Irons came in 3rd again! not bad for a bunch of clowns who have no idea what they are doing!...missed you King Bee!...and Big kudos to Mike G for filling in...not only to help kick ass, but to raise money for a great cause. Don't we all know someone who has succumbed to cancer? (RIP Dad)

- Rules for taking cough and cold medication I've developed over the past week and a half:
1. Do not take inordinate amounts of Buckley's with Tylenol Cold and Flu capsules. My work-mate Cara, whom I normally feud with to no end, actually seemed concerned at the hallucinogenic state this combination put me in. (she will be thrilled, by the way, that I actually called her out by name in my blog). I on the other hand was too busy licking my hands to really feel the full effect.
2. Do not take Buckley's on an empty stomach...unless you are looking for something to make you throw up about 5 mins later....and folks I NEVER EVER throw up..unless I'm in a shooter contest with a man 4 times my size!...but i digress...
3. Try not to fall asleep while sucking on Halls...good to ease your cough and put you off to lala land...bad in that they might get caught in your throat while you're sleeping and make you feel like you have swallowed a pine tree whole. (the black death flavour ones anyway!)
4. Buckley's in overabundance is a diuretic...enough said!

- I managed to give my wife a Valentine's card that did not have a cartoon beaver on it for the first time in 4 years.

....and that just about brings me up to now...must go find Buckley's now....

I Almost Forgot How To Blog

2007-01-12T20:19:00.000-04:00

I have been caught up in a holiday whirlwind and a crazy year-end cycle at work that s been consuming my time. Here's some things I've wanted to write about but was too lazy to by the time I had a chance:

- Did you hear that Pat Robertson has predicted a majour terror attack to hit the US in the 2nd half of the year? Did you also know he claims to be able to leg press over 2,000 lbs thanks to an energy drink that he just happens to also sell (he's over 70 years old if you didn't know)? He also claims that denominations such as Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodist harbor the spirit of the Antichrist. Oh, and he openly called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Folks, welcome to the 700 Club, strap on your water-wings!

- Grease: You're The One That I Want. Add it to the reasons people think I might be gay. I thought the premier was hilarious.

- Has anyone else who has Rogers Digital Cable ever noticed the Prevue movie and show descriptions in the digital "guide" feature? Check this out if you haven't....the short blurbs used to give a synopsis of the movie always contain some sort of subjective description of the film. This might be fine for films that they think were well made. However, if I have never seen a movie, and I click the "info" button to get more details, I don't want to know that the movie is any of the following adjectives before I watch it: "laboured", "dull", "pointless", "mundane" or "Not-so-terrific mockumentary". I would rather form my own opinion on what is garbage! What are they thinking by doing this anyway? They are basically validating anyone who might be considering cancelling their 300-channel cable tv subscription because 'there's never anything good on'.

- What's with Jeremy Miller popping up in that stupid MacDonald's commercial?...and why did he let himself go to hell?

- I am currently involved in 2 separate weight loss contests, one at work, and one with friends and neighbors. The only thing I can think of all day long is pizza and Doritos. Today I visited the Doritos.ca site to visit an old friend. Both contests will take me to mid-April, at which point the person who has lost the highest % of body weight wins the respective pots. Pizza and Doritos party at my place April 15th!!

Thanks guys!

2006-12-31T19:12:00.000-04:00

As some of you might recall, I mentioned in passing earlier this fall that I am a huge Tennessee Titans fan (if you don't recall go find the post where I slam those bitches from DHL). Tennessee was in yet another rebuilding year this year and without long-time quarterback Steve McNair they started the season 0-5. But thanks to the magic that rookie QB Vince Young and (the best return man in football) CB Pacman Jones spun over the last several weeks, the Titans weren't officially eliminated from the playoffs until less than 2 hours ago...making this the longest into a season I've had something to really cheer for in football in a long time. I can't wait to see them get better next year.

Only one thing to say to Mr. Young: Its the big time now buddy, you don't cry when you lose a regular season game...or any game for that matter. Its like he had that saved up in case he lost either of the last two Rose Bowls (which, by the way, it is acceptable to cry after, but only if you're a senior) and felt he had to use it before he got too old.

Game Notes: New England Patriot Corey Dillon passed O.J. Simpson for 14th all-time in rushing in the game, and now he's the all-time leading rusher amoung guys who have also killed at least two people.

Password Recovery- The Ray Law Approach

2006-12-27T21:16:00.000-04:00

Have you ever signed up for something on-line and been asked to provide a security question for yourself, in the case that you forget your username and/or password and someone has to verify that its really you? Usually, most places give you a choice from a drop-down menu. Stuff like: "What is your mother's maiden name?", "What street did you grow up on as a child", or "Name of your first pet?". Other sites let you design the question...these are my favourite. Here is a list of actual questions I have made up for myself over the past few months when signing up for various internet services:

1. What's that smell?
2. Do I look fat in this dress?
3. How do you spell relief, (be graphic)?
4. Where did you bury that dead hooker?
5. What was your blood-alcohol level during your last job interview (hint: flamable)?
6. What was/is your Mr. Mister fan club membership #?

The answers really drive home the humour. Unfortunately, I'm afraid they must remain with me before one of you breaks into my Wizards of the Coast account and downgrades my chainmail +3.

$126M Donut Eating Machine!

2006-12-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

I was reading several comments left on a web forum today regarding Vernon Wells' (pictured to the left in the hat) new contract with the Toronto Blue Jays. Wells just signed a $126M, 7-Year contract extension to stay with the Jays, and canoe.ca decided to ask what people thought of it. "Was it worth it?" they asked.... and the barely literate readers of the various 'Sun' publications responded (this barely literate reader just read).

I got a kick out of the various people who brought up how outrageous it was for Wells to make this sort of money when people were starving...and how you could just walk down the streets of Toronto to find better uses for the money.

Let me help to point out the obvious to these people (which probably made up about half of the respondants by the way):

- Of course it is fucking obsence for someone to make $18M per annum

- Of course the world would have better uses for this type of money

- Of course doctors and teachers deserve to make more money than someone playing a game (especially my teahcer wife)

- Hey guess what? The money doesn't come from the government!

- Baseball, and all other sports are part of a free-market capitalist society. Owners spend money to make money.

If you don't understand the above facts, and can't accept this reasoning then there's a book by Engels and Marx you should probably take a gander at. And don't use a sports article to complain about the way our society works. The question, within its context, is not whether this one person is worth $126M, its whether this investment is worth it to this organization.

In the end I wouldn't pay $18M/year for a fat guy who has to hustle hard and dive just to make plays that a normal centre fielder could make without running (just look at the below picture of him taken this past Halloween) but hey, that's one of the reasons I don't own my own team. Can we buy ourselves a pitcher now please?

Go Jays Go!

Pictured here: Vernon Wells and Roy Halladay get ready for the Blue Jays' annual Halloween clubhouse bash (they're dressed as Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney)

Covered & Confused

2006-12-15T18:36:00.000-04:00

I just want to make a statement that I think Disturbed's cover of the Genesis tune "Land of Confusion" might be one of the best covers I've heard in years. Here's why:

1. Although all Disturbed songs sound essentially the same, this cover actually stays loyal enough to the original to not be immediately written off as a novelty.

2. All Disturbed's songs sound essentially the same, so they stayed with that and actually made this song their own, and different enough to give it a purpose.

3. The original came out as a cry against anti-nuclear proliferation at the end of the cold war. It was a time when every citizen feared the power that the world's leaders had over them and what they might do with it. What better time to exhume this tune? The world's gone crazy again...just look at what is happening with Paris and Britany hanging out! Bottom line is that this is a timely and powerful song.

4. It reminds me of Genesis' original and the video for it...one of my all-time favourite videos

5. I'm drunk on scotch and will argue that Joan Rivers is one hot bitch with anyone who's willing.....

Is It Just Me....

2006-12-11T19:12:00.000-04:00

...or does Nicole Richie make the sexiest celebrity mug shot ever? grrr baby...grrrrr....

Holy Crap! I'm A Road Hammer!!

2006-12-06T20:33:00.000-04:00

See this guy on this post? For those of you who don't know me, this guy looks EXACTLY like me!!!...except I don't have a full beard and long hair....and I just started carrying a guitar around with my all the time today...after I saw the picture.

This is really a fellow by the name of Jason McCoy. He's the 2006 CMA Global Artist Award winner and currently tours with his band The Road Hammers.

Hansome fellow!

What's Wrong With Saturdays?

2006-12-06T20:10:00.000-04:00

I downloaded some site visit stats from the Google Adsense dashboard today and after examining them I came to the following conclusions (can you tell that I'm a professional accounant?):

- Visitors aparently hate me on Saturdays (or perhaps just have better things to do). You would think that web traffic through this site would be fairly equal across all days of the week...maybe slightly higher during weekdays, when people are bored and at work. However, Saturday, specifically, is my slowest day...of the 15 lowest daily visist totals (all 1 visit in the day), 8 of them were on a Saturday.

- The most popular day for visiting this blog is on Friday!

- Based on the amount of posts I have in each month, I have determined that site visits spike when I actually post more...go figure!! Most of my site hits have come in the past 3 months, when I have made an effort to post 9-10 times a month.

- Site visits in the last 3 months are about 10x what they were in my first 3 months (meaning I genrally re-read my posts 6 times a day now instead of just once like I used to).

- I really need a new hobby!

Hyperlink Mayhem!

2006-12-02T19:28:00.000-04:00

I switched to a new version of Blogger, because they kept telling me it would be better. Now I can't add pictures or hyperlinks. I'm about to hyper-lose-it on these hyper-whores!! Sweet hyper-fuckin'-shit!!!!

What Do Santa's Ass and Stephane Dion Have In Common?

2006-12-02T19:10:00.000-04:00

...they're both featured in my "Lots of Nothing Post":

* Stephane Dion just won the Liberal leadership race. A pleasant surprise, and probably a great thing for the Liberals. Ignatief and Rae would have been easy targets for the conservatives and already carry some baggage with them. For instance, I heard they were caught humping in the bathroom last night after their final speeches. (originally written on Saturday, however they may have been doing it last night too.)

* The Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement, banned a beer called "Santa's Butt" because its label depicts ol' St. Nick chugging a mug of beer while going over his naughty/nice list. Last year the state of Connecticut did something similar to the same distributer for their "Seriously Bad Elf" ale. I think I will have to make a special trip south of the border before Xmas to get me some of these for collectors' items. Is this where the Maritime Brewing Company went? Oh Frosted Frog, where have you gone? **sniff sniff**

* I haven't downloaded a song in almost a month. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything I listen to lately sounds drab and unoriginal. This usually signifies a switch back to hip hop listening for a while, but who knows. Maybe its time that I make that syntho-folk demo I've been promising myself and my fans for a while and finally show the world what's real!

* On another music note, check out The Killers' new holiday tune."A Great Big Sleigh". Good Stuff!..granted they could tape record themselves having a 5 minute long dump at this point and I would think it was musical genius...i think they're that damn good!

* Sometimes when I'm bored I stalk strangers I come across through various friend networks on Myspace. Its funny what some people will write for the whole world to see. Really personal juicy stuff, that no one should read except their closest friends. Funny thing is, I don't even have a MySpace account. God, i need life!

* So my hyperlink photo upload problem (see last post) is a very unique. Apparently, If I log right into the new Blogger Beta and start a post I don't have the ability to see the editing toolbar that allows me to do all this stuff. However, If I use the old login screen and get redirected to the new version, the toolbar appears. This makes me wish I had a nail gun pointed at my eye. Good times! Good Freakin' Times!

On a Somewhat Lighter Night...Me Like the Borat. Its Nice.

2006-11-29T19:16:00.000-04:00

For the love of God, if you have any sense of humour at all get out and see this movie. By far the funniest thing I have seen in years! I can't even describe adequately how funny any one part of this is...there's just so much to laugh at.

Now, because people tend to have a wide range of tastes when it comes to comedy, I have created a litmus test to determine whether you will think things are funny that I think are funny. Here goes:

If you laugh at any part of the phrase "Dude Where's My Car?" then don't bother seeing Borat. Instead there's a movie called "Let's Go To Jail" that I think will be right up your alley. Or just see "Happy Feet".

Everyone Is A Cowboy On The Internet

2006-11-28T18:51:00.000-04:00

My buddy Kingbee recently got bitch-slapped by some right-wing hate monger after he tried to post on the lunatic's web site. Now, no one needs me defending them, especially the Bee...but I just thought I'd throw out a few thing's I find funny about the "Canadian Sentinal's" blog:

Everything! He's a fucking idiot! He definitely does have an "out-of-control sense of humour", if he thinks anything that he's written is remotely sane. I particularly like the style of writing...how everything has to be black or white, hate or love, right or wrong.. etc. Its..what do you call it?..Extreme!! Every good pamphlet should be written this way.

One more note I find particularly funny...after reading the chastising of my friend for using the "F-word", as some might find this offensive, I read a few comments on one of his posts. In one post string, after asking the question of why "Islamofascists use green" as their representative colour, he posted this: "Green, incidentally, is also the color people turn when they feel like barfing... and it's also the color of phlegm and boogers... yep, all those things come to mind when I think about Islamofascists, as well as certain brown stuff, too...". nice!, certainly far less offensive than the "f-word"..especially if you're a big fucking bigot!

Whatever you do don't hate this guy.....its what he wants you to do. In fact pass on the word about how funny he is. I'm only giving him the free advertising because he complains how his opinions are repressed. I want the whole world to know about him. CBC, find this guy and put him on TV!

Last Week's Check List

2006-11-22T19:22:00.000-04:00

Basement Cleaning- *giggle*
Submit Deal or No Deal Application- I did, but with only a couple of hours to spare and I was a wee bit drunk. Under "worst things people who know you would say about you" I typed in "Likes to Start Fires". It seemed hilarious at the time.
Get Oil Changed and Tires Rotated on Both Vehicles- check!...but only because there were appointments. Oh by the way, both appointments took 2 1/2 hours! Ridiculous! I had to spend that time perusing the only two stores that are within walking distance: The Real Atlantic Superstore (Loblaws for you further west than east) and Staples.
Xmas Shopping- well I looked for stuff...mainly in the Superstore and Staples. Bought nothing.
Jogs with the family Dog- *giggling again*
Work Related Items- well I did think about work...until I had ingested enough alcohol, and I couldn't feel my conscience anymore.
Early Baby Pick-up- A little earlier than usual..maybe an hour or two.

My Vacation

2006-11-16T07:46:00.001-04:00

I took today and tomorrow off work to use up my vacation days before the year ended and I lose them. Here is a summary of what I plan to do over the next two days:

Re-organize and clean the basement
Submit Deal Or No Deal application form
Get oil changed and tires rotated on both of the family vehicles
Do some Xmas shopping
Go for a couple of jogs with the family dog
Finish a couple of work related items I wasn't able to get done in the past week or two
Pick up the baby early from daycare and spend some extra time with him

Now, here is what will probably take place:

Sleep in until 10:30ish both days....drag myself out of bed in time to get to the oil changes that have been pre-scheduled...buy myself a couple of things I find while Xmas shopping for other people (get no actual Xmas shopping done), come home...sip fruity mixed drinks while lounging in my bathrobe, and pass out while playing PlayStation 2....wake up in time to get the baby from daycare about 5 minutes earlier than he normally gets picked up.....and somewhere in that drunken stupor manage to fill in some fields on the online Deal Or No Deal application form.

Ok, I have to go take a small nap now to prepare for my big day. Wish me luck.

My Golden Post

2006-11-09T19:11:00.000-04:00

Its been about 8 months since I started the old blog and ,well, I think everyone's a little bit dumber for it. But I've come to a milestone...Post #50. I'm averaging about 1 post every 5 days, or 1.4 per week. Its a little behind the pace that I wanted to keep when I started this, but I can live with it. As I alluded to in a previous post a couple of months ago, its tougher than you think to find and post pictures of peacocks and rant on and on continuously....even my bitching tank can run a bit low at times.

To celebrate this anniversary in the true class that this site has grown accustomed to, I thought I would share with you a funny little web site I found tonight. Its really quite lame, but the end product can be pretty funny if you really put you mind to it. If you go here, you can type in any name and it will generate a metaphoric ingredient listing and directions to making the cocktail with that name.

For example, if I type in "Ray Law" I get this:

How to make a Ray law
Ingredients:5 parts friendliness 3 parts ambition1 part energy
Method:Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!

Stupid and gay!...but with a tweak here and there you can achieve true comic genius. Observe:

"Yum"...that kills me...lol!!!!!!!!! You can't make this stuff up if you try!

Did Someone Say Hypocrisy?

2006-11-06T18:48:00.000-04:00

*note: I actually tried to post this yesterday, but Blogger decided to give me the screws again, and took the site down for maintenance about 5 minutes before I was ready to post . Another 15 minutes I'll never get back...love it! Anyway, enjoy my 4 paragraphs of witty reparte...paraphrased from wittier repartee I came up with yesterday...

So Ted Haggard has finally admitted to "sexual immorality'. I don't get it. I just don't get it. If you are going to lie and deny accusations made against you, do it with all of your earthly being. Deny Everything!..Until the bitter end!...or you might as well come clean up front.

Bought meth but threw it away?!?? Paid for a male prostitute to 'give massages'!?!?!? Please! If he's going to lie, why does he have to do it like a middle school kid who just got caught with his pants down in the bathroom sucking on a bong and holding a George Michael poster? Pathetic!

And for those of you who don't know, Mr. Haggard, like many religious leaders, is heavily involved in politics in his region (and nationally for that matter)...and, of course, he has thrown his church's full backing behind the local anti-gay-marriage candidate.

So if I'm reading his message correctly, it goes something like this: gay marriage is a sin and should be banned. If you have evil-gay impulses, it is more acceptable to get a good pluggin' in a prostitute's car behind your local White Castle...oh, and also make sure that you use the same guy to buy your amphetamines from, its more convenient that way.

Is it just me, or does he also set off that closet pedophilia vibe as well, with that half-smirk he's always wearing?

The Death Sentence: If You Don't Agree With My Opinion You Should Die

2006-11-05T18:17:00.000-04:00

With the death sentence being handed down today on Saddam Hussein and two other defendants, after being found guilty on the charges of crimes against humanity, I thought it would be a great time to push people's buttons by reiterating my anti-death penalty stance.

I'm not going to get into a big debate as to rights and wrongs and pros and cons of capital punishment vs. a lifetime in prison. Instead, I'm simply going to say this: it is wrong to kill another human being. Period! Nobody has the right to do this. You can not condemn somebody for killing people (even on a mass scale) and then turn around and kill somebody yourself...even if they are a worthless piece of shit. It makes you a hypocrite.....even if you hide behind a veil called "government".

If you don't like my stance, I'm sure you're not as advanced intellectually as I am. Which isn't saying a lot for either of us. Talk to me about castrating rapists or pedophiles, and then you might get an answer you like more.

Where Do You Stand On The Issue of Horseshit?

2006-11-02T19:01:00.000-04:00

Willie Nelson is using the US primary to voice his concerns about horse slaughtering around the world for the purposes of human consumption. I know if I were in the US right now, and about to vote, horse consumption would be high on my list of concerns. Here is a list of what I think Willie Nelson's top 5 concerns are as American's get ready to go to the polls:

1. Horses Being Slaughtered For Human Consumption
2.. American's In Iraq: have they found any new cheap sources of weed?
3. The North Korean Nuclear Threat: How much weed could a 75 kiloton bomb destroy?
4. Man Am I Hungry: How do horses taste anyway?
5. Tax cuts: more specifically tax cuts retroactive to 1975, when he stopped paying them.

Willie's fun to pick on, but an easy target. I'm going to help him out a bit. I promise not to slaughter nor eat a horse for at least two weeks...but once pay-day rolls around all bets are off.

**Jack-o-lantern carving contest update**
We carved our pumpkins on Sunday, and my wife thought that hers was 'turning funny' while sitting inside. She insisted on keeping it outside where it would 'keep better'. Well, it rained too much over the next two days, and that combined with the wind, made her carvings cave in by Halloween night. My artistry was still very much in great shape, so I won by default. No need to embarrass anyone by putting their limp pumpkins on the internet. See you next year, when I might or might not defend my crown depending on my mood at the time.

The Annual Jack-Off Festival

2006-10-29T11:42:00.000-04:00

I've been busy lately (mainly this morning) carving a pumpkin for the newly adopted annual tradition of a Jack-O-Lantern carving contest between my wife and I. Last year's results are still in dispute. It wasn't an official contest then so the winner varies depending on who you ask. i.e. if you ask anyone who is not blind and/or stupid, mine was the best.

Stay tuned, I will be posting pictures of the final products this week and letting the internet public decide...because I know that only about 75% of the people who read my blog are blind and the other 1 is only stupid when he's wearing a red shirt.

Finger Lickin' Sad

2006-10-23T19:26:00.000-03:00

A colleague and I decided to break our normal routine and went to KFC for lunch today. I was shocked and dismayed when I got up to the counter to order my Big Crunch sandwich and saw a former coworker of mine behind the packing window putting together the orders. The reason for my reaction was that the person I was looking at was a co-worker of mine when I worked at KFC 13-14 years ago as a teenager. She was only a few years older than me at the time. (I guess she still would be, barring the discovery of a wormhole in the deep fryer- which is entirely possible).

Its not that there's anything wrong with working fast food. Its an honest living, and served me well for a couple of years between high school and university. But just the thought of working in that shithole for 16+ years makes me sad....like someone getting sentenced to life in prison for a crime they didn't commit. Now fortunately for me, this particular co-worker was a big bitch. So that helps to temper my emotions somewhat. You see, she once got me suspended from work for wearing a chicken bucket on my head with eye holes cut out of it (pure comic genius!), and tried to get me fired for taking a deposit to the bank after regulated hours. So, as sad as this story may seem, I hope you rot in deep fried hell Jan! Not really, but that sounds funny. Honestly, I'm willing to be the bigger person and forgive and forget. I think she's done her time.... Its time for her to at least look for call-centre work.

A Haiku Dedicated to NB Liquor's Fall Clearence Sale

2006-10-21T19:52:00.000-03:00

Arbor Mist, you bitch
I've drunk you down like real wine
My five dollars gone

I Haven't Ripped On the Conservatives In At Least 3 Minutes, I Better get A Crackin'

2006-10-21T09:03:00.000-03:00

Firstly, why would the conservatives hold their annual convention in Mexico this year? Strange.

Secondly, let's take a look at the past week in the life of the conservative government, as it unveiled its big plan on the environment: The "Clean Air Act". The environment Minister, Rona Ambrose, has stated that the aim is to cut greenhouse-gas emissions 45-65% by the year 2050...and says the government has not turned its back on Kyoto. She talks big about fines being imposed on violators of existing guidelines/regulations (which used to be mandatory only to an extent), and setting up an 'environmental damage fund'. Here's the kicker...the government is basically saying nothing will be new, and are going to rely on consultants to tell them what to do to clean up the air by 2010...and target the biggest polluters by 2025-2030 timeframe. That's very convenient for a government that knows its chances of winning a majority in the next election will be even more slim than they were the last time. So folks, the bottom line is that there is no plan for the environment from the conservatives.

I've recently heard my local MP Rob Moore (Con) give his strong backing to the Clean Air Act on the local radio. He must have got a memo from Harper himself to get out and support this 'act' in your local media. Reason being, this makes it the 3rd time I've actually heard him speak on a topic on local radio (just a snippet on commercial radio during the morning news). I believe the other two were in regards to his opposition to same-sex marriage, and announcing a potential expansion of the Kingston Farmer's Market. He's hard-hitting ladies and gentlemen. (My riding traditionally votes conservative without regard to anything else except the colour on the background of the posters, in case you haven't figured that out from this paragraph)

Let me just say this. If I was a conservative, or conservative supporter, I probably wouldn't have the environment high on my priority list anyway. So I can see why they can easily dismiss the masses that attack their plan, and just tell dumb shits like me that they're doing something about it. My questions is 'why fake it?'. You're not going to turn the people of the country who do have environmental concerns high on their lists into conservative voters with a half-assed attempt to show interest. Why not just put more attention into the things you care about..like getting George Bush's hand wrapped around your colon. Its sad.

What Letter In "DHL" Stands For "Whacky-ass-morons"?

2006-10-18T18:51:00.000-03:00

So a couple of months ago I lost my favourite hat. My only hat really. I normally don't wear a hat, but on the weekend when I roll out of bed and have to go fetch coffee, I like to throw something over the bed-head hair that stands up all over the place. Lately I've felt naked while going for my caffeine fix in the early morning.

So two weeks ago I decided to do something about it. I decided to replace the cap I had been missing with a brand-spanking-new cap. The old one was a Tennessee Titans hat, that I knew I would not be able to replace in Saint John NB. Hell, I probably couldn't even go to a booming metropolis like Moncton and find any Titans wear. So I went right to the source....the Official Tennessee Titans website. I ordered a new hat, and while I was there I picked up a set of pajamas for my 15-month-old son. All seemed well and good until the shipping began. Enter the morons from DHL.

Since I ordered the stuff online on a Saturday, I didn't really expected the order to be processed, sent and arrive until about 8-10 business days at best. But the people at the Titans ordering department were quick. By Monday afternoon I had received an e-mail notification that my package had been picked up by the shipper. The rest of the week passed without any packages at my door, until Friday when I got home from work.

Stuck to the door on Friday was the notice posted here. Note the following facts about the delivery notice and the circumstances leading up to it:

- The box that is checked says "This was our final attempt".
- There had been no prior attempts to my knowledge.
- Upon looking up the Waybill# in their online tracking system, I determined that they actually tried twice previously to deliver this package, without leaving any notice.
- Look at the other two boxes that could have come in oh-so-handy: One says they will make another attempt the next day and the next would have given me the option to sign away liability and let them leave it at my door.

I called the 1-800 number at the bottom of the notice. Here is how the conversation went:

Me- "hello, I have just received a final delivery notice from your company and I'm wondering why it would be the only time I actually got a notification in 3 delivery tries?"
DHL Jerkoff- "well sometimes our drivers are hesitant to give people the choice to just drop-off the package on the doorstep if they live in a 'questionable' neighborhood"
Me- "what deems a neighborhood questionable? I mean I don't exactly live in Beverly Hills, but last time I checked there was also no blood-stained syringes on my front porch either..."
DHL Retard- "well, sir the drivers have to take into account several factors"
Me- "but they could have at least told me that they had been here, right?"
DHL Arsehole- "well sir, I can't speak for the drivers. I'm sure they assessed the situation as best they could"
Me- "so can I schedule a 're-delivery'?"
DHL- "no we will only attempt 3 times"
Me- "but I only know of 1"
DHL- "but there were in fact 3"
Me- "ok, so where can I pick this up at?"
DHL- "well let's see, I have 2 centres that are in your zone...I'm not sure which would be closer: Charlottetown, or Moncton"
Me- "I guess that would be Moncton...what are their office hours?"
DHL Nimrod- "Mon-Fri 8:30-5:30"
Me- "You're kidding right? the nearest location is 1.5 hours away and only open during regular office hours...meaning I'd have to take time off work. There's no other option?"
DHL Fucknut- "Well you could always have it re-routed to a different location...would you like to do that"
Me- "So I can just give you a different address and you'll send it again?"
DHL Dipshit- "That's right"
Me- "Ok listen really carefully, change the number in my address to a number 2 numbers down and I'll go next door to my neighbor and tell them its coming..."
DHL Moron- "Ok done, now these re-routing requests usually take 72 hours to process, and since we're past 5pm on Friday, that 72 hours won't start until Monday..."

Blood is now gushing out of my eyes and ears...I manage to hang up the phone and scream for an hour straight, while punching myself really hard in the scrotum.

Flashforward to this past Monday....

I arrive home after work, no more than 8 "business hours" after my conversation with the devil. There's a package there from DHL! It came to my house! COD!..my mother-in-law paid for it!

DHL are a bunch of incompetent pricks. They owe my at least 15 mins of my life back for having to deal with the dumbest customer service person ever, and $15 of COD charges which they actually are at fault for! The only thing I will be ever couriering through this company is a steaming pile of dogshit I scoop up from my back yard. Coincidently, it will be going to DHL's head office.

PS My hat's cool...the baby pajamas barely fit my mammoth kid. god bless us all!

Fate, I laugh At You...but nervously

2006-10-12T18:42:00.000-03:00

I don't really believe in a pre-designed plan for every creature and thing, and I wrestle with that when trying to work it into my Christo-Agnostic belief system. But when something happens like the Cory Lidle airplane accident in Manhattan yesterday it makes me stop and think. Strictly from a sporting perspective, here are some things to consider that led up to crash that prematurely ended the life of the Yankee pitcher:

- On July 31st the Yankees acquired Bobby Abreu from the Phillies in a trade to help them in the stretch run and into the playoffs. Thrown into the trade was pitcher Cory Lidle to help sure up a sometimes shaky Yankees starting staff. If the trade wouldn't have went through, Lidle would already have finished his season a couple of weeks ago and been home with his family in California.

- The Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs Oct 7. They were heavily favoured, and their lineup, one of the most impressive hitting lineups in baseball history struggled to even score a run for a 20 inning stretch. If the Yankees would have won the series, or even won another game, Lidle would probably not have taken off to leave for home yesterday. You could say baseball's $200M team let Lidle down.

- The game in which the Yankees were eliminated, saw Lidle come in in relief of starter Jaret Wright. Wright gave up 3 runs, the Yankees ended up scoring 3 runs during the game. Theoretically, if Lidle hadn't given up a run and pitched 8-9 innings, (as he could have as a typical starter) the Yankees might have won the game and pushed the series at least an extra game. Lidle, unknowingly at the time, was actually pitching for his life. He gave up 3 runs in 1 1/3 innings.

Now, like all accidents, you can look for, and find, a billion turning points that could have lead to another outcome. For someone who doesn't believe in fate, I would suggest no matter what happened, Lidle would have eventually got on a plane that had some sort of mechanical problem and the outcome would have been similar... just delayed. But what made him pick THAT plane?

I saw Lidle pitch live a few times in 2003 when he was a member of the Toronto Blue Jays. The games weren't eventful by any means, but I'll always remember him as ex-jay no matter where he would have went. Thanks for the memories Cory.

The Reason I Don't Bet On Nothin'

2006-10-08T11:15:00.000-03:00

I'm lost this NFL season without a pool to drive my interest in the games. That's what happens when your favourite team sucks and has no chance of making the playoffs (Tennessee, in case you're wondering).

So I resurrected my Playshere account with the Atlantic Lottery Corporation on line and have been betting on a few games here and there over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the realization that I'm really bad at it. Yesterday, I tried to make the $10 or so that I've lost so far back by placing a $2 bet and picking winners from the 3 baseball playoff games going on yesterday. Two of the 3 teams I picked lost. The other one won, but only by a run and that technically would only be a "tie" under the Playshere rules. So I was 0-3, on a ticket that would have only paid me $12. Pathetic!

I'm not a big gambler, and I'm coming to the realization that its probably because I've never won anything to give me a taste for it. Then again, maybe I just have to practice more.

Songs of Death

2006-10-03T20:16:00.000-03:00

Recently a paper in Britain conducted a poll to determine what the most requested songs to be played at funerals are. The number one song was James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover", 2nd was "Angels" by Robbie Williams. you can read the article and the remaining top ten here.

I remember when I was a teenager, an acquaintance died prematurely in an automobile accident and his family had his favourite songs played at the funeral. It spurred on a conversation between my friends and I as to what we would want played at our funerals. I recall the cool choices at the time were "Black" by Pearl Jam and "Fade To Black" by Metallica. Now that I'm past my EMO phase I wonder what I would want played as one solitary song to remember me by, or that had special meaning to me.

I think the only thing I'd borrow from the top ten list in that article is "With or Without You", but only because its a kickass song from U2's best stuff. In the end I think I would want a montage of funny/serious/sentimental all mixed together. There's a song for all of those in this list:

1. Millennium- Robbie Williams
2. Fake Plastic Trees- Radiohead
3. Selling The Drama- Live
4. Shiny Happy People- REM
5. If You Could Read My Mind- Gordon Lightfoot
6. Dancing Queen- Abba
7. I am A Real American- Hulk Hogan and Rick Derringer
and the big closer....
8. Closer- NIN (only to be played if the funeral is in a church- preferably Catholic :)

Think about your own list. Its fun to imagine how people will react.

I Got My Blog Caught in the Auger of Creativity

2006-10-02T20:28:00.000-03:00

I have blogger's block today. I thought I'd just share that with you all, just to let you know that blogging isn't exactly an overabundance of lemurs and Venezuelan presidents. Sometimes I sit and read the news for hours on end and nothing uniquely funny nor worthwhile pops up to write about.

A few things to mention from recent news and my warped mind:

- I don't know if I'm more upset with all the school shootings going on or the morbid media coverage of the same. CNN is giving all these idiots the "blaze of glory" finale that they wanted when they set out on their gruesome missions. They're making every other teetering sociopath come one step closer to going over the edge.

- I don't care if Roger Clemens took steroids. I don't care of 80% of major league baseball took them or still takes them. The sport isn't all about power and muscle. Steroids do not improve hand-to-eye coordination, fielding, or throwing a decent breaking ball. Barry Bonds will probably break the career home run next year and I won't care about that either. Not because of the steroids thing, just because he's a prick. (best ball player of my lifetime so far, but a prick!)

- I hate myself for loving the fact that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

- I think Poutine is the most disgusting thing on the planet, next to Stephen Harper. but I would put a sign on my front lawn supporting the former before the latter.

I have to go drink a fruity cooler now and watch some mindless tv.

Later...

People Under the Stairs: The psycho Bitch That Lives Below My Mother

2006-09-30T11:38:00.000-03:00

Every second Saturday, after my 14 month-old son wakes up around 7 AM, my wife and I gather our things together and head to my mother's apartment for an early morning paper read and a coffee. We then leave our son with my mother while we get groceries. About an hour and 1/2 later we pick him up and bring him home for his morning nap, while we put the groceries away. Its our routine. It works for us and we like it.

This morning a wrench was thrown into the gears that drive our routine. You see my mother has lived in the same apartment for roughly the last 15 years. She is a 63 year-old, large woman that walks around on her heels and general makes a lot of noise. (she moves furniture around just for the fun of it every 3 weeks or so). It must not be easy to live in an apartment directly below her. However, for the last 7-8 years or so, she has lived above the same crazy bitch.

The woman who lives below her has confronted her about the noise she makes several times. Always in a loud and nasty way. She has called the police on my mother, and a couple of times tried to push my mother's own door open simply to continue a yelling match in which she didn't think she got the last word. She has complained to the landlord as well. All complaints basically fall on deaf ears and she has never gotten anywhere. She just continues to be miserable and force her misery back upon my mother whenever she gets the chance.

This morning, upon leaving my mother's place, I apparently made too much noise carrying the baby down the stairs and must have woken her up...at the ungodly hour of 10 AM! After I fastened the baby into his car seat, I jumped in the van and noticed that my mother's neighbor was in her window shaking her finger at me and mouthing a few words at me rather violently. I gave her a quizzical look to exclaim that I didn't know what she was talking about and she went through the same range of actions and wording. I still don't know what the fuck got her goat exactly. I pieced together my own hypothesis about me coming down the stairs rather loudly, as it was the only thing I could think of that made any sense. In any event, I simply drove away, and explained to my wife how crazy she was (the neighbor not my wife).

Now, I can understand that if I made too much noise I might owe someone an apology....and I'm a rational and understanding human. If she simply peeked her head out the door and said something like 'can you take it easy next time, the stairs are right next to my bedroom and you woke us up', I would have given her the token apology and tried to make a conscious effort going forward. But no, she had to act like a raging lunatic. Well let me tell you something lady, that's what a blog is for!

My main beef is that she has been doing this shit for 7+ years. If something bothered me that much about where I lived, that I had to throw a huge hissy fit every so often, and no one would do anything about it for me...I would have been moved long before 7 years came around.

Listen bitch, if you're reading this and somehow got someone to help you figure out that I'm talking about you: Pack your shit up and move!!! You're a lot less pleasant to deal with than the noise above you (or syphilis for that matter!- that's funnier:). I would even pay for your moving van. I'm not even joking. I will write you a cheque. You just tell me which one of your bipolar/schizoid personalities to make it out to.

Isn't Google's Adsense Funny?

2006-09-27T19:25:00.000-03:00

....I mean not Chavez funny but just look around at the Google ads displayed at the very top of this page and at the very bottom. They are topical, based on the content that Google finds in my blog posts. About 2-3 days after I posted about having a vacuum nozzle in my ass, the vacuum cleaner ads started appearing. I find that hilarious.

You know what else is funny? I'm going to start rhyming off random words just to see if google starts posting ads about that stuff as well:

Mesopotamia

fruit flies

pirate hookers

lamb chops

Murphy Brown

slam dancing

rickshaw of death

Nyquil Party

bag of booze

greased pig

...ok that's my stream of consciousness for today..let's wait to see what happens...

P.S. Not to solicit or anything, but did you know if you click on those ad links you might make me a cent or two? All money earned goes toward me being drunk....and I'm much funnier drunk. just something to keep in mind...but I'm not soliciting

"Jealousy" vs "Envy" vs "I'd Give My Left Nut"

2006-09-26T19:57:00.000-03:00

I like to think there are subtle differences between the terms I used in the headline above. "Jealousy" to me carries a connotation that is self serving. It ignores all other factors except what is important to an individual. It wishes bad and mean spirited thoughts upon someone or something. While "envy" carries a more diplomatic tone to it ie. I "envy" someone's position but I harbor no ill will towards the person in that position. "I'd give my left nut" on the other hand describes a crazed wanting, that disregards one's own personal well being (and ability to possibly reproduce).

My friend Jason was recently featured in an on-line magazine because of a blog that he keeps, and subsequently he appeared on CBC's 'Information Morning' to discuss said website. He did a great job and I urge everyone to check him out.

Upon Jason's relay of the news that he would be featured in an on-line article and on the radio, I poked some fun at him and his sexuality, to which he replied that I was just "jealous". No my friend, I'm "envious". I'm also proud of what he's accomplished so far and "I'd give my left nut" to help him accomplish some more of the goals on his list. (mainly the drinking ones and the road trip ones).

Keep it up Barry!

That Chavez is a Pretty Funny Guy

2006-09-23T11:16:00.000-03:00

You know, once you get past the fact that his government is run in an autocratic fashion that threatens to compromise future democracy in Venezuela, and that he's mismanaged an overabundance of oil in a way only a true lunatic-dictator-type could do, Hugo Chavez really is a funny guy.

Hearing his comments to the UN General Assembly a few days ago made me laugh. He continues to insult President Bush in new and innovative ways at every opportunity he gets with the press. The English translation of his words make for amusing grade-school-like barbs. The thing that really puts it over the edge for me is the pop culture references ...like that thing he said about Americans setting aside their Superman movies and reading the Noam Chomsky book he was holding. (Not coincidentally, sales of Chomsky's books have increased this week following Chavez' remarks)

I think he should give up politics and get his own late night talk show. It would probably have a pretty loyal following here in Canuckland.

P.S. The lemur pictured here has nothing to do with Chavez. I just think its funny too.

Did You Tell On Me?

2006-09-21T19:06:00.000-03:00

My post about the packaging warning labels below got taken down off this site....but not be me. Unless its just another unexplained error of blogger (which it very well may be, they happen practically everytime I post anything) I can only assume that someone complained and administration had it removed. If that's the case they didn't tell me or warn me of inappropriate material or any complaints. So I reposted it.

Just in case there's any confusion, let me make a few points clear:

- My infant son and I don't wear plastic bags as helmets (not until he turns 15 and we start sniffing gas together)
- I have never had to slap my infant soon back to consciousness (or for any other reason)
- The only nozzle up my ass is the nozzle of apathy that spews forth from the vacuum cleaner of disdain
- The last comment is a metaphor. You should not try to clean up disdain with a vacuum, especially with a nozzle of apathy

Weak...

2006-09-14T19:54:00.000-03:00

Kimveer Gill, dressed himself up in a trench coat yesterday, walked into Dawson College in Montreal, and began shooting...seemingly at random. He killed 1 girl and injuried up to 20 others..several are in critical condition. He apparently turned his gun on himself to end the mayhem.

If you're too weak and self-centred to live with what life deals out, take a toaster into the bathtub with you (plug it in first) but leave everyone else out of it. If there's a hell, I'll see you there Kimveer, and I'll make sure to tell you what a fucking loser you are on my way to see Elvis!

Anatasia DeSousa R.I.P.

Thank Christ for Helpful Packaging!

2006-09-14T18:51:00.000-03:00

I had just finished unpacking my brand new computer and was using the plastic bags the components were packed in as helmets for my infant son and ....when out of the blue I saw these two warning labels from inside the bag. I pulled the vacuum nozzle out of my ass, took the bags off both of us and breathed a sigh of relief.....I had to slap him back to consciousness..but everything seems fine now.

I'm not even joking about these being real warnings from computer component packaging. I would honestly like to meet the retard who spurred companies to start printing these on their plastic bags.....I bet he/she is one extremely rich piece of shit!

Balloon Fiesta Full of Hot Air

2006-09-10T17:05:00.000-03:00

I took the family up to Sussex today for the Atlantic International Balloon Fiesta. You know what the funny thing is about the balloon fiesta?: no ballons. Not a one! Apparently, they take off at 2 times during the day 6:30AM and 6PM. We knew this but decided to go anyway so that the kids could enjoy the country-fair-like atmosphere and get on a few carnival rides. $100 bucks later I have a couple of face-painted kids, 2 huge inflatable crayons and strong desire to marry my cousins.

I don't even think I saw the word "Balloon" anywhere...and you definitely wouldn't have known you were at a "fiesta" (the lack of sombraros was killer). Looking back on this, they could have easily have called this a baboon fiesta and just told everyone that the baboons come out in the middle of the night. No one's gonna stick around Sussex to find out if its true anyway!

Its been a While...I'm lazy

2006-09-09T09:55:00.000-03:00

I've been getting way too slack with the blog. So this week I am dedicating myself to post at least 5 entries by the end of the week. They'll just have to be shorter than my normal monologue.

Today's topic: Dallas Green- Why does he need other people to bring out his talent?

Dallas Green is currently experiencing more radio airplay than anytime in his career. For years he has been known as an underground talent in Toronto..and has had huge local success in St Catherines, Ontario. Still, a lot of people don't know him...and I just can't make up my mind about him.

Featured in the ensemble piece "The Grace", by Neverending White Lights, he is awesome...the song is awesome, I can't get enough of it. If you don't know anything about this band take a look. Pretty impressive talent gathered together here.

In his solo side project City and Colour, I think he falls short. I can't stand the song "Save Your Scissors"....it makes me want to stab scissors in my eyes...or I guess ears would make more sense.....and the name of his 'project' is probably the most clever thing about the crap he's put out (City= Dallas....Colour= Green....pure genius!).

And the fact that his full-time job is with the band Alexisonfire completely baffles me. Good band...scream a bit much at times but you can get past that with the music....but not anything like either of the latest works he's putting out.

So basically, anything done with someone else is gold but on his own he becomes Clay Aitken with an attitude. I don't get it. I guess I just have to hope someone holds his hand for a few years and shows him what doesn't suck...and then I'll have something to listen to.

Anyway, I have a lot to bitch about so stay tuned this week folks.

Maurice Clarett: The Homeless Man's O.J.

2006-08-09T21:37:00.000-03:00

You have to love this. Maurice Clarrett was a sure-fire 1st round draft pick in the National Football League..if he only stayed in school. You see, he decided to fight the NFL's policy that says you had to either stay in college for 3 years or apply for draft eligibility 3 years after you graduate highschool (or something like that...who really cares?- I could look it up but bottom line is that the NFL really drives home the 'stay in school' thing). He lost that battle in court...but let's take a step back and quickly review the public life of this guy over the past few years:

- Clarrett played for Ohio State in his only year in College. He scored the winning touchdown in double overtime in the Fiesta Bowl to give Ohio State the National Champioship in 2002.

The rest is all negative, lets lump it together like the shit-pile it is...
- Sues NFL unsuccessfully to enter draft, finally gets drafted when eligible in 2005 and then gets cut, robs a couple of people at gun point and steals their cell phones...and then yesterday...gets pulled over for a traffic violation-turned-high-speed-chase, and is found to have several 9mm pistols, a half empty quart of vodka and a hatchet in his vehicle. Holy shit! oh, and did I fail to mention that police had to mace him because they tried to use a stun gun/taser-type thing, and it failed due to the bullet proof vest he was wearing? I'm sure he was just out picking some late-nite up from Wendy's...but I guess we will never know....just as we will never know if he could of made a go of it in the NFL.

Top Ten Songs To Laugh At...

2006-07-23T19:21:00.000-03:00

First off let me just say that I'm not trying to come off as an elitist or anything. However, I was recently looking for song ideas to download to fill up my new IPod Nano, (which I cashed in a few hundred thousand AeroMiles for when I realized I'm at least 10 years away from affording the love swing or penis pump....oh wait, maybe that was my Club Z points...) and I came across a website which allows people to post their personal top 10 list of songs by decade and had to laugh out loud at some of the choices. In particular, I was reading the 90's lists...so keeping that in mind, let me enlighten you with a few rules of thumb I have developed after looking at a few hundred top ten lists...you know, in case you want to put your own list up for some scrutiny..

1. If you are trying to tell me that 5 or more of the 10 best songs out of any ten year period came from the same group and same album...get mommy to buy you another Tool CD sonny.

2. If your list contains any has-been-70's/80's-superstar's last gasp to buy themselves a bag of crack...check it at the door. Listen, I bought myself a newly released Boston CD in the 90's..to me it was a return to greatness, but I wasn't dumb enough to think that the rest of the world simply missed out on their "mature phase". That's right, I'm talking to you Ms. "La Luna"-by-Belinda-Carlisle-earns-my-number-9-spot!

3. "1. Murder Go Round by Insane Clown Posse- 'Just a fresh ass song about murderin mothafackos!' ". This song and comment topped a list that included another ICP song as well as songs by Twiztid, House of Krazees, and of course the Pschopathic Rydas. I'm about as down with ICP as the next whitebread mothafucka (who followed professional wrestling), but this is a good example of another great rule when making these lists: Although you think its cool to name bands and songs that people never heard of, (and that's REALLY hard to do when you deal with a) death metal, b) fringe rap, or c) shit) you're list gets skipped after song #7 and you become another hallucinogenic affect of the mushrooms. If you're good with that, so am I...

4. If N'Sync made your top 10, you suck harder than they do...and that's pretty damn hard. If the song was "Space Cowboy", you might as well set your Teen Beat magazines ablaze and throw yourself on the flame...it won't get any better.

5. Make sure the songs are in the decade that you are posting about. Yes, I agree Summer of '69 was a great song, and everybody knows the words and a case could be made for it being #1...if it were released ANYWHERE in the 90's....and although that might be a simple mistake from someone too young to know better and heard it in a 90's movie, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Eric Clapton is just plain-ass retarded.

6. Whenever possible, be specific in how you derived your list. Are they your favourite songs? Are they influential/classic songs? Songs you liked to get drunk to..? Songs that you like to play while hurting kittens? ...this isn't completely necessary, but it just helps the reader understand why you chose "Moo Moo Land" by the KLF...

7. Kind of a follow up to the last rule....I don't need a 2 paragraph analysis from Jared in Iowa explaining to me how Smelled like Teen Spirit changed his life. I DO require a lengthy description of how Weird Al's cover of the same song also made his list. I wish I were joking!

So, with that friendly advice, go forth and add your own list. I simply can't wait to read it.

And, just so I don't get shit on for avoiding it, here's my list, based on the following criteria: songs released in the 90's, taking into account the influence of the song and/or group on music in general from my perspective only. The only order I will put them in is alpha by group, because each song could be #1 for different reasons:

10. Sabotage- Beastie Boys
9. Song 2- Blur
8. Zombie- The Cranberries
7. Basket Case- Green Day
6. Enter Sandman- Metallica
5. Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana
4. Jeremy- Pearl Jam
3. Paranoid Android- Radiohead
2. Bullet With Butterfly Wings- Smashing Pumpkins
1. California Love- Tupac & Dr. Dre

Do I love all these songs? No! Did I at one time or another? Yes! ..and I can still listen to them all without getting sick... If I was to make a list of my top ten favourite songs of the 90's it would be different each week. The only way to keep it static is to set criteria that shouldn't vary too much. Given that explanation those are my top ten. Feel free to tear me apart.

YouTube- More Fun Than a Barrelofmonkeys.com

2006-07-09T20:20:00.000-03:00

Actually that headlining statement is true, but if you are a fan of board games, as I am, barrelofmonkeys.com, actually redirects you to the Hasbro website- and there's a lot of fun shit there as well.

I might be a little behind on the internet craze that is YouTube.com, but I've more than caught up over the past several weeks. For those of you not familiar, this site basically let's anyone post small videos for everyone else to watch for free. It has everything from people posting daily on-line video blogs, to some funny wrestler interviews from back in the day. Its unfortunate that some corporate types are starting to catch on that someone taped an episode of SNL in 1991 and has posted a couple of skits...and now they want them banned because there's no profit to be had. However, have your fun while you can...this is a great site while it lasts.

I'll leave you with another website that I found vis a vis YouTube....Have a question no one else can answer? Why not askaninja.com?

Bad Chocolate, Good Memories

2006-06-27T20:39:00.000-03:00

Cadbury has recalled a "salmonella-tainted batch of chocolate" that was distributed into Canada today. Its better than a chocolate-stained taint! ....and that reminds me of a home-made drink I developed about 7 years ago, that was inspired by the gay character on Dawson's Creek named Jack. The drink was called "Jack's Silky Smooth 'Taint".

The mixture goes like this:
2 parts Jack Daniels (The "Jack")
1 part Silk Tassel (rye whiskey) (The "Silky")
1 part peach schnapps (the fuzzy- not mentioned but implied in the title)
1 part Baily's Irish Cream (the "Smooth")

The tag line: t'aint no way yer keepin' this down!!!

If anyone ever has the balls to try this and lives, the bottle of Jack's on me.

Am I Here To Amuse You?

2006-06-16T18:56:00.000-03:00

I received a lot of comments (off line) about my last post. How it didn't meet a certain comedy standard people have come to expect... blah blah blah.. Each of these people, however, did have a favourite out of the list of 10..and most of the favourites were different from each other. So I would say mission accomplished. This is where I could put in a quote about pleasing all the people all the time...but instead, all I have to say is I'm starved for material sometimes..and if I find it funny, it makes it to the blog....whether I'm high on a bag of glue or not!

Anyway, on to today's post. There is this incredibly stupid "feature" in Rogers Hi-Speed Homepage entitled the "Photo Caption Game". The idea is they show an odd picture and ask the readers to enter a funny caption to go along with it. The problem? They won't show anything with "bad" content...swearing, sexual stuff etc. So you basically get a bunch of 8-year-old-type replies. For instance here are two for the photo that headlines this post:

1. "Well they finally managed crossbreed a Monster Truck and a car"
2. "Fed up with people not stopping for the funeral procession, Bubba's Funeral Home takes drastic measures"

Isn't #1 a literal description of the picture? What makes that funny? It might as well say "Hearse with Big Monster Truck Wheels Beside a Graveyard"
As for #2, at least they have the idea, just not any comedy edge...a typical caption for this site

I think this "game" would be a lot better if they allowed every entry to be shown. It could be funny even. My suggestion for this picture is:

BIG ASS REDNECK DEATH PARTY! CAN WE MOVE THE GIN STILL OUT OF THE BACK TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE CORPSE?

Actually that's kind of lame too. Maybe this is harder than I thought. Oh fuck it, I'm only golden when there's peacocks and ping pong balls involved. I have to go peel this bag of glue away from my face now.

Summer Pool Safety Tips

2006-06-11T16:05:00.000-03:00

Inspired by a CBC news report I just read on the Rogers Hi-Speed Home Page, here are my top ten safety tips for in-and-around the pool this summer:

10. If you're going to carry on like a drunken madman, put your goddamn water wings on!
9. If you have to shit in the pool, make sure you are wearing proper bathing attire, with good solid mesh to catch your waste and your draw-string is tied tight. (Girls should probably just use any bushes adjacent to the pool..preferably in a neighbor's yard)
8. It may seem like harmless fun at the time, but try not to spike people's pool-side martinis with chlorine...it can get messy.
7. If you're pretend wrestling in the pool, and you're holding your friend underwater while applying a full-nelson, don't fall for the old 'play-dead-so-he'll-break-the-full-nelson maneuver'.....instead, count in your head to 236 to make sure they're not faking..then release the hold.
6. Saw the diving board 3/4 through so that any nimrods who want to cannon ball get what they deserve.
5. Keep a detailed second-by-second written account of any drownings to help you mitigate any discrepancies in people's stories when everything goes to trial.
4. Make sure that you know whether people can swim before drop kicking them in the back of the head into the pool.
3. Harpoon games admittedly increase the fun factor of any pool game but harpoons are for the deep sea...leave your harpoons at home.
2. Voodoo safety rituals can seem like a good idea, but if someone slips on pig entrails and cracks their head open, nobody wins.
1. A good hazing ritual to play, is to have a naked pledge swim 2 laps back-and-forth in the pool while holding a lit candle in his butt cheeks, while trying not to extinguish the flame. This can be dangerous. Try using a candle which has aloe in the wax to ease any burning.

have fun in the pool this summer kids!

Apparently DC Comics Started Opening My Mail....

2006-06-04T12:23:00.000-03:00

In case you didn't hear, the renewed version of BatWoman is going to be a lesbian. I wonder if they will also incorporate my idea of having her arch nemesis be Stephen Harper in a KKK uniform? One can only hope...

Was Blogger Created By HP?...

2006-06-03T09:31:00.000-03:00

Just a quick note about my last post.

I originally wrote what is seen below on May 31st. I saved it as a draft and went back to edit it with a rant about Canada's recognition of polygamy and a description of me going shirtless to work next week with nothing but nipple tassels and a bowtie. It was enlightening and funny stuff (to me anyway). However, for some reason, after I made my adds and edits and then posted, all that made it to the actual blog was my original draft...oh, and the picture of batboy.

Speaking of batboy, have you ever read the Weekly World News? If you haven't, do yourself a favour and pick it up next time you get groceries and take a read. It might be the funniest thing ever put on a check-out shelf. I think my grandparents have a subscription to this...no joke. The read it like its coming straight from the Reuters News desk. They also live in Minto...insert your own joke here...

Too Much Crazy Shit Going On in the World

2006-05-31T20:19:00.000-03:00

Normally, when I decide that its time to update ye old blog, I scour news articles and surf the net for a good couple of hours before I find a good piece of interesting news or a website worth commenting on. But today there's just too much stuff I feel must be commented on:

Too make some broad generalizations, a great deal of African nations find themselves struggling to hold on to shreds of democracy each and every day. In some of those nations, the power seized by militia groups is protected and enforced through violent oppression and often genocide. You don't have to look very far or read much to find out what is happening in Darfur, Sudan, Somalia, and a decade ago in Rwanda. However, one of the most disturbing reports I have read in a long time has come out of the DRC. It involves the raping and "mutilating" of woman of a specific ethnicity by soldiers of a different race, so that they will not procreate. I can not even begin to fathom the horror of this. The kicker? The soldiers are that of the "democratic" government's own army and police forces. The current Congolese president says there will be a crack down if elected in the next national election (July). How timely!

Ok, that was pretty heavy...let's try to lighten the mood again. Have you read about my game show below? If not, do it now and come back for the next paragraph.

...deep breath..and out...

Closer to home, Nova Scotia teachers are being asked to fill out a questionnaire handed to them by their government employer which would indicate what sexual orientation they are. The government claims that this is in the interest of maintaining a balance in workforce and maintaining a database of its particular workforce. I struggle with affirmative action in most instances, but sometimes I have to bow to the fact that its helpful in a short-term-fix type of way... but this is ridiculous. Since when do we model our workforce around sexual orientation? Does doing such a thing suggests that there is a place for open sexual expression in the everyday workplace.

I've Invented a Game Show...Just Hear Me Out

2006-05-25T21:58:00.000-03:00

First, picture one of those glass cases they put people in on game shows that have money blowing around in them. Got it? Good, now enlarge it 2-3 times. Now replace the money, with 1,000 lettered ping pong balls and crank up the blowing speed of the air by about 10 times the force.

Ok, now picture a really pissed off peacock. One who has not been fed for 5 days and has just been shocked with a cattle prod a few times. (you can give it rabies too if you want...whatever helps for effect). Now put that peacock in a small antechamber inside the big glass case.

There you have the set up....

now then...

Contestant #1 please enter the case...contestants can only wear a bikini and a small satchel to hold the balls they collect.

'RELEASE THE COCK' the announcer shouts. The peacock is set free and goes nuts! balls are bouncing everywhere...off the contestant...off the peacock (pissing it off even further)...the peacock attacks the contestant...blood and excrement everywhere...until the contestant (a) taps the glass for mercy (b) passes out from blood loss or pain or (c) collects the letters to spell the words "Help Me"

I call the game "Cock and Balls".

I actually started with title and developed the rest of the game in 5 mins....but once you can get past the potential animal and human right violations that are involved (the game might have to be played in Guam or Puerto Rico) I think its golden.

I figure at least NBC would give it a try, it can't be any worse than their current game shows.

UNMOUNTABLE_BOOT_VOLUME: Computer Speak for HP is Garbage!!

2006-05-21T19:23:00.000-03:00

I have been mainly computerless for 9 1/2 days...let me tell you the story of why.....

Friday May 12- I get a call at work from my wife. I'm told that the computer 'froze' and that she coudln't get anything to work, and that the machine couldn't even be turned off. So to effectively hard boot it, she unplugged it. What she didn't know was that you can't just hit the power buttom to turn it off and on if it has froze, you have to hold it in for several seconds. The result of the unplugging is a system failure which will haunt me for the rest of my natural life....3 words on one blue screen taunting me: UNMOUNTABLE_BOOT_VOLUME.

This same night I arrive home thinking that this will be a simple restore and we'll be up and running again pretty quickly. I try every little trick I know form the restore screen to see the same 3 word message appear over and over again after every restart.

Saturday May 13th- Getting impatient to find out what the hell is going on with the pc, I pack up the wife and baby and head to work, where I can connect to the internet and research what my next steps are. I only find a couple metions of the error. Its cause is mentioned as probably resulting from an "Abonormal Shutdown". (I print this off, highlight that section and make sure to give it to my wife when I leave work) Basically, the microsoft site said to use the O/S boot disks to restart the computer. That's great, if you have a boot disk. HP did not provide me with one, nor provide instructions as to where to locate one for XP Home edition disks I would apparently require. This is part of my issue with HP.

Sat May 13th- Mon May 15th- I ask everyone I know that has a XP O/S if they have a boot disk. No one even remembers ever having one...I get a few tips on where to look but no actual disk.

Tues May 16th- Found downloadable start-up disks on a Microsoft windows update site. It requires 3.5" floppy disks, of which I have none. I buy some at a local Zellers department store; electronics section....the only thing I've bought at Zellers in the last 22 years...and quite fittingly, probably the last time I used a 3.5" disk....I'm suprised the disks don't headline their electronics section actualy...while i was in the store the cashier tried to get me to sign up for a Zellers credit/points card with club Z points. I was really surprised they still had these. After I said 'no' to the intial request, and the subsequent offer of 10% discount off my intial purchase, the cashier tried for the hard close with this line: "..aw come on, why won't ya get one?...". To which I replied, "with a sales pitch like that how could I say 'no'?". Cashier: "So you want one then?". Me: "No." I'm going to start eating my lunch down there from now on. I think it could be very entertaining.

This same day I try to download the start-up disks form work before i head home. The security at work won't allow me to download these. I'll have to find someone to do it for me. I e-mail my buddyMike to see if he can do it for me. We meet for coffee that night I give him the disks. Kudos to Mike for being a sport about this.

Thurs May 18th- E-mail Mike to see if he successfully downloaded the boot disks. He said he didn't have a chance and would try to do it today.

Fri May 19th- Mike e-mails me, says everything seemed to have worked and he could give me the disks tonight. We catch a movie that night (MI3- not bad...once you get past how fucking crazy Tom Cruise is in real life...which pretty much took me the first hour or so..)

Sat May 20th- Insert first of 6 boot disks, and restart computer...20 seconds later: "DISK I/O ERROR". What!?!?!?!? Was the disk corrupt? It obviously recognized it as a system disk, otherwise I would have gotten that stupid "non-system disk" error. I want to kill...the weekend of rage officially starts.

Later this morning I go to my inlaw's place and use their computer to research what could give me this error. All I get are instructions to check my BIOS settings. My what settings??? How do I get to that? There is my second beef with HP: Apparently, you can change the way you boot up and what runs on boot-up etc through your BIOS seettings...and apparently you can get to this by hitting F1 while you are starting up. Another thing HP never tells you anywhere when you buy one of their computers. (and I'm sure any computer savy person out there knows this...but I do not proclaim to be computer savy...but at the same time, its not like I'm a complete moron...I can read, if you just give me the damn instructions, I can figure it from there) Anyway, I go home, check all the settings...they're all still fine. The only other tip I could find was to "partition" my hard drive to accept the boot disk by typing a certain command at the a: prompt. Again, probably a wonderful idea, if you know where to go to get to the A: prompt...I was hoping it would be linked through the BIOS settings...no such luck. I missed Cops tonight...one of the worst days of my life!

Sun May 21st (today)- I went back to my inlaw's place first thing in the morning to look for a way to get to my A:prompt. I couldn't find these instructions anywhere, but I did stumble upon another shortcut. If you hit F10 while you start up with most HP pcs, there is a built-in Windows o/s system recovery...effectively a built-in boot disk...again that was never put in any of the manuals that came with the computer. Upon finding it, I simply had to hit one button that said start recovery...and 5 mins later I was good to go. Of course I had to spend most of the morning getting my internet, e-mail, office suite etc set up...and I have lost all files that weren't backed-up...but I am so furious at HP right now that none of that really matters.

My computer is almost 4 years old. I will be buying a new one in a year or two, and I can gurantee it will not be HP. The only good thing they make is steak sauce!

Cecilia Zhang R.I.P.

2006-05-09T19:42:00.000-03:00

One of the things I remember about my last few months living in Toronto in early 2004, is not being able to step into a coffee shop without seeing a missing/reward poster for the young Ms. Zhang. Yesterday, an "emotionless" Min Chen pleaded guilty to second degree murder in the case of an apparent abduction/ransom plan gone wrong. It really pains me that this man could be granted parole in 12 years. I know thousands of children go missing every day, some never to be seen again, and I don't want to discount any of those cases which don't get the media treatment this one did. However, I do hope that the judge in this case uses the media attention to hand down what the Crown is seeking....life in prison with no eligibility for parole until 20 years in!

Just Give Me My $1200 So I Can Get On With My Beer and Popcorn Binging...

2006-05-04T19:55:00.000-03:00

Prepare to be poor for the next 20 years Canada. Stephen Harper's Tory government has introduced the budget that will be tabled for 2006-07 tax year and has started the ball rolling on what will sure be the next recessionary period in Canadian history. For those of you who are interested (which really should be any voter who doesn't own an oil field in Alberta) here are the budget details. For everyone else here's the 20 second version...

Stephen Harper when faced with budgetary issues: "Problem?.... Don't we have money to throw at it in the short term?.... No?.... Just take it from the aboriginals...still not enough?...Tax that lower bracket a few more % I personally don't know anyone in that bracket anyway.....oh screw it, just drop the GST a point, everyone knows what that is, that should seem significant...can someone fetch me another baby, I'm famished...."

I do like the budget presentation though if nothing else....its fancy!

I'm condensing this topic into just a few lines for time and space purposes...but trust me, there are serious issues that I could go on forever about, and there's just not enough time and/or space in this forum.

Other Flotsam and Jetsam:

My chip run is over. Doritos introduced a new flavour and I had to try: Sweet Chili Heat. They weren't worth falling off the wagon for. It lasted 44 days. I lost 15 lbs. I'm going to try to keep off them for the remainder of what would have been the 100 days.

Gonzaga: I now it was like a month and a half ago now...Zags lost...I was wrong... I know. That's why I don't throw money into bracket pools anymore! Morrison choked in a big game..down the stretch...that and poor shot clock management screwed them in the end...UCLA made on of the classic comebacks in college basketball history to beat them in the sweet 16 and deserved the win. Let's move on.

Did anyone see Lost last night? I've just recently started reading some theory websites about the show. I think I'm going to stop...they're way too involved. It looks like each of these geeks tapes the show and spends half their lives breaking it down. Looks like the show is going to pick up again for the May sweeps and finish strong going into its 3rd season. Good TV!

Bad TV: American Idol. Can't stand Elliot, why do people think he's so good? I'm rooting for Taylor, but realistically, it has to be the last female singer remaining that wins: Katherine McPhee. Not my favourite, but think about it...based on who America has votes as winners in the past, can you see any of the others winning? Exactly!

Lastly, have you seen this? It looks so bad, its got to be good! My buddy King Bee sent me a description about this movie a couple of months ago when they finished filming...I laughed. I'm still laughing after seeing the trailer...."Enough is enough, I've had with these snakes..." hahahahahahaha....

(Quick shout out to Graeme MacKay...great political cartoonist, whomed I borrowed from above).

Gay Cowboys and Dangling Eyeballs

2006-04-27T20:28:00.000-03:00

While my wife went out with her friends last weekend for a girls' night out, I made myself some popcorn and picked up a couple of videos to watch at home. I got Brokeback Mountain and Hostel. Its funny how good I thought both of these movies were when they are worlds apart from each other.

In my humble opinion, Brokeback deserved to win the best movie Oscar last year over Crash...and I loved Crash! Its a movie that will stick in my mind for a long long time, and not just because of the scenes of hot man-on-man action. It was horribly marketed when it was released in theatres, and that was a shame....watch this on video if you get a chance!

Meanwhile, in Hostel, you have a movie that has been touted as a gorefest but is actually far more than that. If you watch a couple of times and get over the self indulgent blood-letting you will begin to see a well crafted look at mankind's constant need to fulfill any desire that pops up, and the underground elements that will use those desires to make a profit....as well as society's gradual acceptance of these fulfillments. This film examines the lines that are crossed gradually..from some harmless marijuana smoking (legally in Amsterdam), to prostitution (also legal in Amsterdam)...into paying to torture and kill another human being. But make no mistake, this is a horror movie made to gross you out. The bitter irony comes when the people looking to fulfill their own desires, become the victims of someone else's. That's also about the time the blow-torches come out to be used on the dangling-out-of-the-socket eyeballs. Good Times!!!

Oh and for those of you wondering, I've just been too lazy to write anything lately. That and I can't stop bitching about this fat piece of shit long enough to calm down and write anything.

Rhubarb & Motorcycles, A Deadly Combination

2006-04-10T19:05:00.000-03:00

Yesterday, in the town of Shedden (Ontario's rhubarb capital), 8 men were discovered murdered in vehicles left in a farmer's field. Today, 4 men and a woman were arrested and charged with first degree murder. They apparently were all part of a biker gang called the "Bandidos". In a related story I had some of the best strawberry and rhubarb pie a couple of weeks ago from the local grocery store, and I'd really like to check out Shedden's Annual Rosy Rhubarb festival, that I otherwise would not have known about if it wasn't for this tragic series of events.

I Can Only Imagine How He'll Kill Her This Time...

2006-04-05T20:39:00.000-03:00

I like Eminem as much as the next white guy, but isn't this getting a bit ridiculous? I mean really, who can forget the charming lyrics to "Kim", which include the classic line: NOW BLEED BITCH BLEED....BLEED BITCH BLEED...BLEEEEEED!!!! So he gets back together with her, gets re-married a month later and now 3 months after that he's filing for divorce. Classy! I believe in about 10 years (maybe sooner) Haley will be the next Courtney Love. Not that we couldn't use another Courtney Love...I mean the current one will be long dead in 10 years...which reminds me, I need to start a death pool....

Reasons People Think I Might Be Gay

2006-04-02T20:35:00.000-03:00

I have been told on occasion that I am a very gay straight guy...which doesn't bother me in the least. In fact I embrace it. However, it has got me to thinking, 'why do people think I might be gay?'. I've come up with some reason which I have broken down into 3 majour groupings: Primary Reasons, Secondary Reasons, and Complimentary Reasons. The primary reasons are things that are stereotypically gay things. The secondary reasons are things that push toward gay tendencies, but don't fit neatly into the stereotype. Finally, complimentary reasons are things that by themselves would not be considered gay, but when considered in context with the primary and secondary reason cross the line.

Here's a some examples:

Complimentary- I love Abba
Secondary- I sing along to all the female parts of every Abba song, in a high falsetto
Primary- I quite frequently proclaim myself the 'Dancing Queen'

Complimentary- I love fruity coolers
Secondary- I prefer to drink fruity coolers to beer at social events, in front of everyone
Primary- I sometimes deep-throat the neck of the bottle while I drink the fruity coolers.

Get it? Good! look for more reasons in the future when I have nothing better to write about.

The Simple Truth About Red Shirts and Velvet Clown Paintings

2006-04-02T20:07:00.000-03:00

I made a voodoo doll today out of a sack of potatos and dressed it in a red shirt. I named it "Capt. Truth". I make Capt Truth hump inanimate objects for my own ammusement...but really the red shirt is all I need to keep me laughing. Oh, and velvet clown paintings are gay. The only cool velvet paintings are those which have Elvis as their subject.

You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me....

2006-03-28T19:24:00.000-04:00

As if Bardot wasn't enough? Ladies and Gentlemen, this one writes itself..... Its almost too easy to make fun of.... Pamela Anderson has joined the ranks of these decrying the seal hunt.

Says Anderson: "As a proud Canadian who frequently travels abroad, I am alarmed that people are starting to see Canada as a country more beholden to a pack of greedy hunters and to the seal-skin 'fashion' whims of a few countries than to the massive international outcry against the hunt,"

Says Me: "As a proud Canadian who hates dumb people...isn't the cornerstone of your entire fucking career a homemade porn video you made with a washed up drummer with a horse dong?"

Please!! The only way this gets any better for the anti-seal hunt people is if they can somehow recruit Andrew 'Dice' Clay and Vanilla Ice....

....flow like a harpoon daily and nightly....

"Brigitte Bardot" Roughly Translated = 'Racist Biggot-Pig'

2006-03-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I would give the likes of Brigitte Bardot any writing space in this blog, but I've been wanting to comment on the Canadian seal hunt for a while and I think she is the best target for my scorn. Did you know that this past week Ms Bardot came into Canada seeking a meeting with the PM to discuss the inhumanity of the annual seal hunt? As if he's the PM of Jamaica or something, and would stop everything on his schedule to accomodate her. (although when I think about, he's probably more likely to do something like this than any other PM we've had- Kim Campbell wouldn't have done it!). What's truly ironic about the situation is that the former French 'sex kitten' has been sued 3 times in her home country for alleged violations of human rights. She has published a book denouncing Islamic immigration into France, because of the way it 'erodes the French culture'.

Why would anybody listen to this moron? Shouldn't the fact that she's on the side of anti-seal hunting raise some alarms to those grups which might have a legitimate beef with the practise? I almost expect them to come out with campaigns that say stuff like... "Listen, we love the baby harp seals and all, and want to save as many as we can...but could you please ignore that crazy Bardot bitch...she's really not associated with us, in fact we'll make you a deal...we'll club and skin her alive if you drop the cull #s by a couple thousand" (I envision a Paul McCartney originally crafted song playing in the background...and Larry King doing the voice-over)

I love it when stupid people decide to take a stand on something. It amuses me greatly.

Jamaican Rum is the nectar of the Gods...Or it at Least Helps Me Cope With Work

2006-03-24T20:59:00.000-04:00

I'm not saying I drink at work, or before work, but definitely after if its been a hard day. Appleton's Rum is one of my favourites. I drink most liquor straight, but this stuff is good by itself or with practically anything else (today's recipe is strawberry kiwi Crystal Lite mixed 1:5 with Appleton Original...good shit!). If there are 5 things Jamaicans know better than anyone its:
1. Weed
2. Spiced Rum
3. Coffee
4. Weed
5. Weed
(honourable mention goes to 'pot')

Seriously though, if you like spiced rum, pick some of this stuff up at your local Alcool. It kicks major ass. Ya Mon!

Oh, and congrats to Jamaica for electing its first female Prime minister. This news is actually a few weeks old but it is noteworthy in that it got me thinking about how many female presidents/leaders there have been around the world. Most sites I could find that document such things all neglect to mention Kim Campbell. Say what you will, but those 4 months she was Prime Minister in 1993 forever shaped the world I live in. The best quote from The Right Honourable Campbell during the election campaign that sealed her fate:
"an election is no time to discuss serious issues"
I couldn't agree more! (from an observers perspective that is) Unfortunately, not something that you should say out loud....during an election campaign anyway.

Inclusion Excludes a Whole Hell of a Lot

2006-03-20T19:13:00.000-04:00

For those of you not familiar with "Inclusion" in the educational sense, it is the grouping of children with 'special needs' into the everyday classroom environment so they can have exposure to the same learning initiatives their able-bodied peers do....as well as just plain having exposure to their able-bodied peers.

A report just released on New Brunswick's inclusion program found that NB was doing a fair job in grouping kids of all abilities but "had a long way to go". One article in particular on this subject quotes various children that are the target of this program, as saying they wouldn't want to be segregated from their peers dispute the fact that they find it hard to fit in. They go on to say that it can be lonely for them because they don't have the chance to intermingle with the kids in their classes outside of the classroom environment.

I have two things that I believe are inherently wrong with the program as is. For one, as the husband of an elementary school teacher, I get to hear the real story behind the classroom environment all the time. My wife not only has to teach 20 or so children at the conventional pace, but must adjust to make sure that those are falling behind get the extra help they need, and those that are not challenged do not get overly bored. In addition, she must help take care of an autistic child and learn to teach to him/her, administer insulin shots to the diabetic child, and constantly re-arrange her classroom to accommodate a boy in a wheelchair and ventilator. TA's have to be requested formally by the teachers and are only paid minimum wage. All this brings me to my first beef. 'Special needs' students are not being "included" in classrooms that are designed to meet their special needs. This is absolutely ridiculous, and unfair to absolutely everyone involved in the situation.

Secondly, the inclusion of the children in question should permeate our society and not just be forced on everyone in the school environment. The kids feel lonely because they don't mix well with the other students. Well that has a lot to do with no one knowing what the hell is going on. The kids who have a 'special needs' student in their classroom should be educated about what is going on before hand...both at school and at home, instead of just wondering what is different about the kid that has to sit by him/herself at the back of the classroom with the adult helper, and deciding to shy away from him/her.

If all else fails, maybe the NB government could at least stop spending hundreds of thousands of $s on reports that tell us they not running programs incorrectly, and just spend it on improving them. Fuck, I need some Doritos....!

Are Doritos Some Sort of Magic Herion Chip or Something? Is That What Makes Them So Goddamn Good?...

2006-03-19T20:01:00.000-04:00

The one reason I've never been good at dieting isn't my overall will power. For the most part I don't eat a whole lot of unhealthy foods. I stopped eating butter and salt when I was a teenager (unless of course its already baked into something- I just don't add it to foods). I don't typically eat a lot of greasy foods. I stay away from red meat. I also eat a lot of fruits and veggies. But my kryptonite is chips...Specifically corn chips...and even more specifically Doritos. I could eat bag upon bag of these fucking things, and never get sick of them. I actually get irritated when they discontinue brands/flavours that have been out for more than a month, because its like losing part of the family. I can honestly say that there are less than 10 people I like more than Doritos...I don't know how many exactly because I get hungry counting them on my hands and have to stop to snack on some Spicy Nacho Cheese.

So what am I getting at? Is this post just about my love of the stinkiest chip there is? No. This is my supreme declaration that I am attempting to give up Doritos (and all other chips) for 100 days. This surprisingly isn't day#1 for the Doritos. Its actually the 3rd straight day I've been stink-chip free. However, I did have some other corn chip yesterday...so I'm almost at the end of day#1. This is going to be a long 100 days! June 26th can't get here soon enough. Viva los Doritos!

The Day I Became a Soccer Mom

2006-03-18T16:18:00.000-04:00

Well, my wife and I went out 'to look' at new SUVs and passenger vans today, in anticipation of my lease expiring later this year on my GM shit-hunk. I did lots of internet research before going in and just couldn't get past all the stuff I could cram into a Chevy Uplander for very little price (both in terms of spaciousness and options). No one even come close really. So I rolled the rest of my lease early and I will be picking up the rest of the tee-ball team in 2-3 business days.

Oh, quick follow-up on my last post. Adam Morrison and Gonzaga got a scare in the first round. I was nearly half done typing a new post with 5 mins left in the game stating how I only posted the first time to make fun of his moustache. But Morrison was unbelievable late in the game and rallied the Zags back with 7 pts, 1 key board and 2 amazing dishes in the last 2 1/2 mins of the game (35 pts, 2 rbds, & 3 assts). Let's see if they can keep it rolling against the Hoosiers tonight.

Oh, and happy belated St. Patricks Day! Check this article out if you love Catholic hypocracy. I think I'll give up my belief system for Lent!

The 70' Porno Stache: Chick Magnet and College Basketball X Factor

2006-03-16T19:49:00.000-04:00

The men's NCCA basketball tournament kicked off this afternoon to start what is perennially known as "March Madness". If there is one thing the USA has produced that I am in love with, it is this tournment! Some games can be brutal to watch, but I will take a game decided by pure heart and emotional drive over any multi-million $ quasi basketball "pro" game any day.

The best moments are the ones near the end of the tourny. You know what I'm talking about. The cameras pan the bench of a team about to get knocked out, and then close in on the one or two seniors, who gave everything they had over the last 4 years and start weeping into their towels becuase they know this is the end....not quite good enough to make it to the NBA, they know they are headed into a career of real estate....knowing that they will never ever ever be able to get laid as easily as they did over they last 4 years again.

But I digress. Back to the tourny. I wanted to get my bold pick out there. I am picking Gonzaga to win it all. Adam Morrison has been compared to Larry Bird. He's probably closer to Christian Laetner. The Larry legend compare comes from him having an incredible court sense, tremendous tenacity, an ability to shoot the lights out any given night, and oh yeah... he's chalk white. Seriously though, this guy isn't as athletic as some, but he has a great shot and average 28.3 pts per game in a decent conference. The Zags are ranked #3 in a mediocre bracket of the tournmament, with the number one seed Memphis, being picked by many to be the first #1 to lose in the first round ever. The other 3 #1 seeds could all be beaten before the final as well. My prediction Gonzaga beats UConn in the finals.

The Zags have been referred to as a 'cinderella' story in past seasons when they have gone into the 3rd round or beyond. Well this year someone got out a knife and carved a big-ass porn stache on the pumkin carriage, and its crashing the gates of the big dance baby! Never has such a combination of porn and basketball satisfied me so....I Love This Game!

Jay Leno: Like getting your penis caught in your zipper.... but a lot less funny

2006-03-15T20:39:00.000-04:00

There are many reasons I dislike Jay Leno. Like all true fans of Letterman I feel an obligation to hate him. If you're not sure what I'm talking about check out the movie Late Shift. But after reading an article about how he routinely apologizes for offending people with his humour I have to take a minute to reconsider whether I hate him as much as I should.

So what this article is telling me, is that whenever Leno tries to be edgy...which he really never is...he has to shrivel up into a spineless ball of laugh-less shit and apologize (personally apologize, no less) to every 60+ fan out there that still watches him.

I know there are lovers of Jay out there...and those people will inevitably point to the fact that Leno whips Letterman time and time again in the ratings. My personal theory on this is that the people who give him the ratings edge are the same people that give a Bush-lead government a majority win in an election.

Ethnic Curling - My First Real Post

2006-03-12T19:43:00.000-04:00

With the death of Slobodan MIlosevic greeting me in the news right after I created this blog yesterday, I first thought I had a perfect topic to start my rantings with. However, I want this to be a forum that truly reflects me, and the first post should set the tone. I want this to be more amusing than anything, and if I were to go off on ths topic I think I would defeat my own purpose. (unless I was talking about this ethnic cleansing- $14.88?? wtf??- somewhere there's a militia in Michigan making enough money to get those new armour pirceing rounds that come in oh-so-handy when 'deer hunting'....of course they're probably making all off their own membership). For a good take on it (the Milosevic thing) visit my buddy Kingbee's blog.

What I would like to talk about briefly is curling. Or as I like to refer to it, my last chance at a Olympic Medal. the Olympics have now been over for a couple of weeks, and Canada won gold this time around. (surprisingly our only gold medal in this event in 6 tries!!). More importantly a four-man squad, that was half drunk and half stupid, stepped onto a curling sheet in the Carleton Curling Rink in west Saint John a few weeks ago and handed out an ass-whooping of major proportions...winning 8-0 and 4-0 in its only two matches and walking away with 3rd place. Long live the Curling Irons!

*(deano, quinner and kingbee...my thanks, and your 'medallions' are in the mail if you haven't received them already)

3-2-1 Commence Horseshit....

2006-03-11T10:45:00.000-04:00

Well, its not the fancy schmancy postings of some of those that are more tech savvy...but this is my start anyway. Maybe we'll move this to another site when someone shows me what the hell to do. In the meantime this is a very user friendly way to start a blog.

What can you expect from my postings?:
1. Rantings about unimportant shit
2. My raw liberal commentary about topics in the news, and in life in general
3. Drunken ramblings about people and things I hate...but mostly people
4. A sprinkle of self deprecation
5. Coffee stained pants